Triangulation: how one uses other people to destroy you - violence psychology

Psychological triangulation is an insidious form of emotional manipulation used to create conflict, distort reality, and exert control over victims. It involves a third person in a dyadic relationship (between two individuals) to destabilize it and achieve an objective, usually power and control. It is often associated with narcissistic personalities or with individuals who have difficulty communicating directly and expressing their needs or emotions in a healthy way. This article delves into the workings of triangulation, explaining how it works, its devastating effects and, crucially, how to defend against it.

What Exactly Is Psychological Triangulation?

Triangulation is not simply seeking a friend's opinion about a relationship problem. In its most manipulative form, it involves a person (the "triangulator") introducing a third person into a conflictual situation with the goal of creating division, obtaining external validation, and avoiding direct responsibility. This third person, often unknowingly, becomes a pawn in the triangulator's manipulation game.

Imagine an example: one person (A) has a problem with another (B). Instead of addressing the issue directly with B, A talks to a third person (C) about how "terrible" B is, often exaggerating the situation or distorting the facts. Then, A may use C to influence B, sow doubt in the relationship between B and C, or simply to feel validated in their negative perception of B.

How Triangulation Manifests: Practical Examples

Triangulation can take many forms, from subtle remarks to blatant manipulations. Here are some common examples:

• Gossip and Defamation: Speaking negatively about a person behind their back with the aim of damaging their reputation and creating conflict.
• Constant Comparison: Comparing one person to another, usually unfavorably, to undermine their self-esteem and create rivalry. "Why aren't you more like [Person C]? She always…"
• Creating Alliances: Trying to form a "side" against another person, seeking support and validation for one's own actions and opinions.
• Manipulative Mediation: Using a third person as a "mediator" but manipulating the information provided to them so they side with the triangulator.
• The Messenger: Using a third person to pass on negative or hurtful messages, thus avoiding direct responsibility for one's own cruelty. "[Person C] told me that you…"

The Devastating Consequences of Triangulation

Triangulation is highly destructive and can have serious consequences for all parties involved:

• For the Victim (B): Isolation, confusion, loss of self-confidence, anxiety, depression, and a constant feeling of being "crazy" (gaslighting).
• For the Third Person (C): Manipulation, feelings of guilt if they realize they have been used, stress, confusion, and possible harm to their own relationships.
• For the Dyadic Relationship (A and B): Destruction of trust, poor communication, resentment, constant conflicts, and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.

The Role of Narcissism in Triangulation

Although anyone can use triangulation at some point, it is a particularly common tactic among people with narcissistic traits. Narcissists often use triangulation to:

• Maintain Control: Creating division and dependency in others.
• Obtain Admiration and Validation: Seeking support and praise from the third person.
• Avoid Responsibility: Shifting blame and projecting their own flaws onto others.
• Feel Superior: By manipulating others and watching the chaos they create.

How to Protect Yourself from Triangulation: Effective Strategies

Recognizing and defending against triangulation requires awareness, determination, and a healthy dose of self-assertion. Here are some key strategies:

1. Recognize the Patterns: Pay attention to the dynamics of your relationships. Is someone constantly talking to you negatively about another person? Is someone trying to turn you against someone else? Identifying these patterns is the first step.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Do not get involved in gossip or negative conversations about other people. Tell the person that you are not comfortable talking about someone who is not present.
3. Direct Communication: Encourage direct communication between the parties involved. If someone tells you something about another person, encourage them to speak directly to that person.
4. Validate Your Own Emotions: Do not let others make you doubt your perception of reality. Trust your instincts and your own experiences.
5. Ignore Attempts at Manipulation: If someone tries to involve you in a triangle, simply ignore their attempts. Don't give them the satisfaction of participating in their game.
6. Emotional Distance: In extreme cases, it may be necessary to distance yourself from the person using triangulation. Protect your mental health and well-being.
7. Seek Professional Support: If you have been a victim of triangulation, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor. They can help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.