Circular Debriefing

Connecting divergent experiences and perspectives

Circular questioning is one of the most powerful tools in the systemic arsenal for breaking the linearity of thinking in the couple.

Instead of directly asking an individual about his or her own feelings, the therapist asks one partner about the other's reaction, thought, or feeling.

This technique shifts the focus from isolated internal experience to mutual interaction and perception.

The goal is to connect the experiences of both, revealing how the behavior of one inevitably influences the other.

For example, instead of asking "Subject A" why he or she yelled, "Subject B" is asked, "How do you think your partner felt just before he or she raised his or her voice?"

This forces participants to step out of their own emotional trench and mentalize the partner's internal state, encouraging a relational view of the conflict rather than a simple linear "action-reaction" causality.

Exploring triangular differences and relationships

This technique is also used to explore differences in perception of events.

By asking in a circular fashion, discrepancies that often remain hidden become apparent.

One might ask, "Who worries more about this problem, you or he/she?" or "Who do you think suffers more from this situation?"

These ranking and comparison questions allow the therapist and the couple to map emotional intensity and invisible hierarchies within the system.

In addition, it allows third parties (children, in-laws) to be introduced into the conversation without them being present, assessing their impact on the dyad.

For example, one can ask: "If your mother were here, what would she say about the way you argue?".

This brings the "third party" into the room and allows analysis of coalitions and alliances without the need to summon the extended family, revealing how the external context puts pressure on the intimate relationship.

Fostering empathy through circularity.

The most valuable secondary benefit of circularity is the enhancement of cognitive empathy.

By forcing a person to verbalize what he or she believes the other thinks or feels, the existence of a separate and distinct "mind" is validated.

If "Subject A" hears "Subject B" accurately describe his pain (even if it is an assumption), he feels understood.

If the description is wrong, it offers an immediate opportunity for correction and clarification ("That's not what I feel, it's this...").

This process reduces defensive reactivity because it talks "about" the relationship rather than "from" the raw emotion.

It transforms the session from a battleground of direct accusations to a laboratory of mutual exploration, where curiosity about the other's experience replaces summary judgment.

Summary

Circular questioning breaks linearity by asking one member about the other's reaction. It shifts the internal focus to the constant mutual interaction and perception within the system.

It explores perceptual differences through ranking questions about who worries or suffers the most. Also introduces absent third parties to assess their actual impact on the current relationship.

Encourages cognitive empathy by forcing verbalization of the partner's assumed feelings. Transforms the session into a laboratory of mutual exploration by reducing initial defensive reactivity every time.