Conflict Management in Session

Active intervention in the face of destructive escalation

The couple therapist cannot be a passive bystander when the office interaction becomes abusive or out of control.

Allowing the couple to yell at each other or insult each other recreates domestic trauma and damages the therapeutic alliance.

The practitioner must actively intervene to stop the escalation. It is not a matter of being a referee who calls fouls, but a director who cuts the scene.

One can use the body (raising a hand, standing up) or a firm voice to interrupt: "I need you to stop right now.

This is exactly what is happening that is hurting you and I am not going to allow you to get hurt here."

This restraint provides safety; clients need to know that the therapist is strong enough to handle their chaos.

Therapist emotional regulation in the face of hostility.

High-conflict couples can be very triggering for the therapist. The intensity of anger, contempt, or hopelessness can rub off on the professional (countertransference), leading him or her to feel overwhelmed, angry, or paralyzed.

Maintaining one's own emotional regulation is the most important tool at these times.

The therapist should monitor his or her own physical cues (tension, heart rate) and apply real-time self-calming techniques (breathing, anchoring).

If the therapist loses calm or becomes defensive, the safety of the space is lost.

Sometimes it is helpful to make this transparent in a controlled way: "I'm feeling a lot of tension in the room right now and I'm having trouble following you. Let's all slow down for a moment." This models the emotional regulation expected of the couple.

The strategic use of "Time Out" in session.

When emotional flooding is evident (elevated heart rate, inability to listen), continuing to talk is counterproductive.

In these cases, the therapist should institute a "time-out" or technical pause within the session.

The couple is instructed to stop talking and engage in a defusing activity for a few minutes, either in the room or by leaving briefly.

The "aside" technique can also be used: separating the couple momentarily or talking to one while the other listens or observes without intervening.

This allows the more activated partner to de-escalate and explore what triggered his or her reaction, and then rejoin the joint conversation from a more reflective state.

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