Moving closer vs. moving away

The emotional bank account

In the daily dynamics of the couple, there are constant interactions that may seem trivial but are the building blocks of the relationship. This concept is metaphorized as the "Emotional Bank Account."

Each positive interaction functions as a deposit, while negative ones are withdrawals.

Stable couples maintain a high balance in this account, which allows them to "spend" (have conflicts) without going into the red. The "Getting Closer" level involves responding to each other's needs for connection.

When the bank account is full, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Conversely, when the account is empty due to emotional neglect, even neutral comments are interpreted negatively.

Offers of connection and types of response

The basic unit of emotional interaction is the "connection offer" or bid. A bid can be as subtle as a sigh, a smile, or a comment about the weather, or as direct as a request for help or affection.

The crucial point is that, after each bid, the receiver has three options: move closer (respond positively), move away (ignore), or go against (respond with hostility).

Successful partners respond by "moving closer" to their partner's offers the vast majority of the time.

This means paying attention, validating or simply acknowledging each other's presence.

For example, if one says "Look at that pretty bird!", the other may approach by saying "Where? It's true!", rather than ignoring it (walking away) or saying "I'm busy, don't bother" (going against it).

Accumulating approach responses is vital to romance and connection.

The impact of ignoring emotional needs

Consistently walking away or ignoring offers of connection is one of the strongest predictors of emotional disconnection and eventual divorce. Often, this happens not out of malice, but out of distraction or "parallel life."

However, the cumulative effect is devastating: the applicant stops trying to connect and progressive isolation ensues.

In therapy, couples are trained to recognize these offers, which sometimes come "wrapped up" in a clumsy way (as a complaint that is actually a request for attention).

The goal is to sensitize both partners to the importance of noticing when the partner is seeking comfort, humor, support, or simply attention, and responding accordingly to reaffirm that "I'm here with you."

Summary

Each daily interaction functions as a deposit or withdrawal into the so-called "Emotional Bank Account". High balances allow conflicts to be managed without going into destabilizing red numbers for the stability of the system.

The basic unit is the "offer of connection," which requires a positive response from the receiver. Getting close involves paying attention to and validating the emotional needs of the partner with a lot of genuine interest.

Consistently ignoring these offers strongly predicts divorce due to progressive emotional disconnection. Therapy sensitizes both to notice and respond to these requests much better.