Recovery and Trust

The trauma of betrayal and emotional wounding

The discovery of infidelity causes a deep wound that can be compared to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. For the deceived person, the shared reality is shattered.

Even if the victim tries to use defense mechanisms such as denial or rationalization to minimize the initial impact, the pain tends to accumulate.

Like a "bag" that fills up with stones, repressed trauma can burst months or years later in the face of minor triggers.

It is vital to validate that the betrayed partner's mistrust is not pathological, but an adaptive response to the breach of security.

He feels that his partner is capable of hurting him again at any time, regardless of current promises.

The therapist must help contain this emotional hemorrhage, allowing the expression of pain without the session becoming an endless perpetual interrogation.

Conditions for reconstruction: The end of the deception.

For there to be any possibility of healing, the sine qua non condition is the total and verifiable cessation of the affair.

If contact with the third party continues, the wound is constantly reopened and re-bonding is impossible. In therapy, we work to establish clear boundaries and radical transparency.

The unfaithful partner must take responsibility for his or her actions and show empathy for the pain caused, resisting the urge to say "it's over, get over it."

Reconstruction requires the cheater to understand that he has temporarily lost the right to opaque privacy, and must be willing to offer reassurance and proof of his commitment to calm his partner's hypervigilance.

Without this step of transparency and definitive closure with the lover, couples therapy is ineffective.

The non-linear process of regaining trust

Regaining trust is a slow, nonlinear process; there is no "switch" that automatically restores it.

Couples must understand that this will take time, and that time frames vary greatly from case to case: for some it may be months, for others years.

Setbacks, painful flashbacks and moments of intense doubt are normal even when things seem to be going well.

The therapist guides the couple to manage these ups and downs without despair. It is normalized that trust is gained in "drops" and lost in "liters."

Success depends on the consistency over time of the new loyalty behaviors and the couple's ability to build a new relationship on the rubble of the o