Reflective Questioning

Positioning the client as an external observer

While circular questions seek to connect, reflective questions aim to activate metacognition.

The partners are invited to position themselves as observers of their own behavior and the dynamics they co-create.

The therapist uses these questions to get clients to reflect on the implications of their actions, rather than simply acting on impulse.

For example, during a narrative of a recent conflict, the therapist may stop the narrative and ask, "What were you thinking at that precise moment as the discussion was occurring?" or "What do you think would have happened if you had chosen not to respond in that instant?"

This type of intervention takes the person out of "automatic mode" and places them in a position of self-observation, allowing them to examine their own internal processes and reactions with some emotional distance.

Analyzing process over content

A common mistake for couples is to get caught up in the content of the argument (who didn't do the dishes, who spent too much money), losing sight of the process (how they communicate, how they escalate aggression).

Reflective questions redirect attention from the "what" to the "how." The therapist can ask, "When they start talking about money and the tone of voice goes up, what usually happens next in the pattern of the conversation?"

By analyzing the structure of the interaction, the couple can identify the repetitive and sterile loops they fall into.

They are sought to recognize the dysfunctional relational "dance," understanding that the problem is not just the issue in dispute, but the way they try (unsuccessfully) to resolve it through repetitive and damaging communication patterns.

Generating new narratives and possibilities

Finally, reflective questions are used to open up the field of future possibilities.

Hypothetical scenarios are posed that invite the couple to imagine different outcomes.

Questions such as, "If you decided to approach this issue from calmness instead of complaint, how would the outcome of the evening change?" or "What would need to happen for both of you to feel heard next time?"

These interventions do not give direct advice, but rather sow the seeds of change by forcing the system to consider alternatives that are not in its usual repertoire.

They facilitate the creation of a new narrative where the couple is not victims of their impulses, but agents capable of choosing responses that are more constructive and aligned with their long-term goals.

Summary

Reflective questions activate metacognition by inviting observation of one's own behavior and dynamics created. The therapist seeks to get clients to reflect on implications of their impulse actions.

They redirect attention from surface content to the communicative process and repetitive loops. They help to recognize the dysfunctional relational dance by identifying exact points of common systemic blockage.

They open the field of future possibilities by posing hypothetical scenarios to generate constructive responses. Facilitate new narratives where the couple consciously chooses alternatives aligned with their long-term goals.