The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness and Obstructionism

Defensiveness and Escalation of Conflict

The third horseman is defensiveness. This usually arises in response to criticism or perceived attack.

Instead of listening to the partner's complaint, the person defends him or herself by presenting as an innocent victim or by counterattacking. The underlying message is, "The problem is not me, it's you."

Defensiveness blocks problem solving because it prevents either party from taking responsibility.

If one says "You didn't take out the trash" and the other responds "I was working all day, why didn't you?", the conflict escalates. The essential antidote here is the assumption of responsibility.

Even if the complaint seems unfair, the therapist coaches the client to validate at least a small part of the truth in what his or her partner says by saying something like, "You're right, I forgot to take it out today."

Stonewalling or stonewalling as withdrawal.

The fourth horseman is obstructionism. It occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, closing himself or herself off like a stone wall.

He stops giving listening signals (such as nodding or maintaining eye contact) and acts as if he doesn't care what the other says, even though inside he may be overwhelmed.

Statistically, this behavior is much more common in men, appearing in 85% of cases in heterosexual relationships.

Obstructionism is not usually an act of cold-hearted meanness, but a physiological protective response to emotional overload.

However, to the other partner, it feels like total abandonment and icy disapproval, often prom pting more screaming in a desperate attempt to get a reaction.

The physiology of stonewalling and the antidote.

Stonewalling is intrinsically linked to physiological flooding. When the heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, the body goes into "fight or flight" mode, and the ability to process complex social information shuts down.

Therefore, attempting to continue arguing with someone in this state is futile. The antidote to stonewalling is self-regulation or self-calming.

The intervention requires the partner to recognize the signs of saturation, call a time-out (pause) and engage in relaxing activities for at least 20 minutes before resuming the conversation.

This allows physiology to return to baseline and the rational brain to resume functioning.

Summary

Defensiveness arises in response to perceived criticism, preventing one from taking individual responsibility. The antidote requires validating a part of the other's truth to defuse the conflict today.

Stonewalling occurs when one member withdraws emotionally, acting as a stone wall. It is common in men as protection from perceived emotional saturation during current discussions.

Physiological flooding blocks empathy when the heart rate exceeds one hundred beats. Applying time-outs of twenty minutes allows recovery of the rational brain functioning necessary to engage in dialogue.