The Systemic Approach in Couples

The relationship as an emerging entity and living system

In the field of clinical intervention, the focus has traditionally been on the individual psyche to resolve conflicts.

However, when working with couples, we must adopt a new lens: systems theory.

A relationship is not simply the sum of two individuals with their respective histories; it is an emergent organism with a life of its own.

As in biology or cybernetics, the couple functions as a system where the interconnected parts create an entity greater than the sum of its components.

The problems that arise do not belong exclusively to "Person A" or "Person B", but arise from the interaction and dynamics generated between the two. This system constantly seeks a state of equilibrium or homeostasis.

Imagine a thermostat: when the emotional temperature changes drastically due to an external (such as a work crisis) or internal event, the couple's system activates mechanisms to try to return to its previous state of normality or stability.

Understanding the couple as an organism allows us to stop trying to "fix" individuals separately and begin to heal the bond that unites them.

Information flows and feedback in the relational dynamic.

Within this organism, the fuel is communication, understood as a constant flow of information.

This exchange is not only verbal, but includes behaviors, gestures and silences. In systems theory, this is known as feedback.

There are two main types of feedback that determine the health of the relationship:

Escalating feedback: occurs when one member's response escalates the other member's behavior.

For example, if one member withdraws silently and the other, in response to this, increases his or her claims for connection, which causes the first to withdraw even more. This generates a vicious circle of increasing tension.

Balancing feedback: This occurs when one's response helps to regulate and calm the system.

If, when faced with a stressful situation, one of the members offers calm and the other responds by decreasing his or her anxiety, the system is positively self-regulating.

The therapeutic objective is to identify whether the patterns of information exchange are destabilizing the system or helping it to remain functional.

Circular causality and the dilution of guilt

One of the most significant contributions of systems thinking is the shift from a linear to a circular view.

In linear thinking, we look for a culprit: "This happens because you did that".

In systems thinking, we understand that A influences B, and B's reaction influences A back, creating an infinite loop. This perspective is fundamental to dilute blame.

When couples come in for consultation, they often bring an "identified patient" or designated culprit.

By reframing the problem as a failure in the system's pattern of interaction, rather than a character flaw of one partner, defensiveness is reduced.

For example, instead of labeling someone as "the cheater," one analyzes what communication gaps or unmet needs within the system made the relationship vulnerable, allowing a third party to enter.

This does not absolve responsibility, but distributes the burden of the solution between both partners, increasing commitment to the therapeutic process.

Summary

Systemic theory considers the couple as a living organism greater than the sum of individuals. Problems emerge from shared dynamic interactions.

The constant flow of information constitutes feedback. There are cycles of positive equilibrium or negative escalations that determine the functionality of the relational system.

Circular causality abandons linear blame by looking for reciprocal influences. Reframing conflicts as failures of the common pattern increases commitment and reduces defensiveness.