Understanding Resistance

Resistance as valuable diagnostic data

Rather than viewing resistance as an annoying obstacle or a personal attack on the professional's competence, the therapist should reframe it as a rich source of information.

Resistance is often the system's way of communicating its limits, fears, or hidden loyalties.

If a couple refuses an intervention, they are not simply being "difficult"; they are protecting their homeostasis or signaling that the therapeutic proposal does not fit their reality. The therapist should welcome resistance with curiosity.

What function does this blockage serve? What are they afraid to face if they cooperate? Understanding that a significant percentage of couples (about 30-40%) will show resistance at some point allows the clinician to remain calm and not react with frustration, using that defensive energy to deepen the understanding of the case rather than fight it.

The "hostage" or visiting client

Not everyone who sits on the therapist's couch is a "client" in the strict sense of someone actively seeking change.

Some are "visitors" who do not believe they have a problem, or "hostages" who attend under threat of divorce or at the behest of third parties.

These individuals do not share the therapeutic goal and their goal is often to demonstrate that therapy is not working so that they can leave the relationship with a clear conscience ("I tried everything, we even went to the psychologist").

Identifying this profile early is crucial. Trying to apply change techniques with someone who has no intention of changing is a useless waste of time.

The strategy here is not to force therapy, but to validate their position and perhaps transition to a process of discernment or clarification of objectives, avoiding becoming the "judge" they are waiting for to rebel.

The metaphor of disservice: Conflict-seeking partners

There is a particular dynamic in which the couple seems to use the session not to solve problems, but to reenact their conflict in front of an audience.

It is comparable to diners going to a restaurant and consistently complaining about every dish, not because the food is bad, but because their unconscious goal is to have a bad shared experience. Conflict is their form of connection.

These couples may reject any helpful suggestions ("yes, but...") and escalate arguments in the presence of the therapist.

Understanding that their goal may be to "have a hard time" in order to confirm their internal scripts of unhappiness or victimhood helps the therapist not to get hooked into trying to "satisfy the client" at al