Appropriation of Experience

The trap of disappropriation and the victim role

"Disappropriation" of experience occurs when we externalize the cause of our emotions and reactions.

It is the act of ceding remote control of our mood to our partner's behavior.

For example, if someone comes home to find that his or her spouse has not performed an agreed-upon household chore, the disappropriation reaction would be, "You have put me in a bad mood because you are inconsiderate."

In this scenario, the individual declares him/herself powerless, becoming a victim of circumstances.

By disowning ourselves, we become reactive, acting impulsively out of anger or hurt, and use guilt as a primary weapon to try to manipulate the other's behavior. This approach creates a toxic cycle.

Feeling victimized, we become defensive and build a mental court case against our partner, accumulating evidence of their guilt to prove that we are right and they are wrong.

The focus is entirely on the outside, on what the other did or did not do, which prevents us from seeing our own participation in the dynamic.

To live in disappropriation is to live in a state of unconsciousness, where we believe that our happiness is hostage to the actions of others.

The mastery of owning one's own life

On the other hand, "owning" experience means radically recognizing that we are the creators of our internal reality.

It means saying, "I am frustrated by this mess, and that frustration is mine; I decide what to do with it." By taking ownership, we move from being reactive to proactive.

Emotions become useful information for making decisions, not blind drivers of our behavior.

Instead of blaming, we seek solutions and try to understand the other's perspective without giving up our own stability.

Taking responsibility transforms us from victims into architects of our own destiny.

It requires the courage to admit that our needs, judgments and feelings belong to us.

If my partner forgets an important date, I can choose to feel devastated and unloved (disappropriation), or I can choose to manage my disappointment, communicate it with vulnerability and reaffirm my own value (appropriation).

Emotional freedom lies in knowing that, although we do not control what the other does, we have absolute sovereignty over the interpretation we give to those events and the response we choose to issue.

SUMMARY

Disappropriating the experience implies blaming the partner for our emotions, assuming the role of a powerless victim who reacts impulsively and seeks to be right instead of solutions.

Ownership means recognizing that we are solely responsible for our feelings and responses, transforming reactivity into a conscious management that seeks to understand the situation without ceding personal power.

True freedom in the couple arises when we stop conditioning our well-being to the actions of the other, taking full ownership of our inner experience and behavioral decisions.