Disclosure and Openness

Assertive expression versus defensive aggression.

Often, when we feel pain or lack in the relationship, our protective instinct leads us to camouflage those vulnerable feelings under layers of anger or reproach.

Imagine a person who feels overwhelmed by household management and perceives a lack of support.

Instead of expressing that vulnerability by saying, "I feel overwhelmed and need help," he or she is likely to resort to an attack, "You're a slob, you never do anything in this house."

This verbal attack is a smokescreen that hides the real need and provokes a war instead of asking for cooperation.

If this person operated from an "accommodating" style, he/she might opt for silence and resentment, magically expecting the other to guess his/her discomfort, leading to passive-aggressive behaviors. If she were "avoidant," she would deny the problem until the distance was unbridgeable.

The healthy alternative is frank disclosure: having the courage to verbalize raw emotion without weaponizing it.

Saying "I am lonely" or "I am afraid that our bond is weakening" is risky because it exposes the heart, but it is the only way for the other to understand the gravity of the situation without feeling compelled to defend himself or herself. Openness invites solution; attack invites battle.

The danger of guessing and assumptions

One of the most pernicious habits in relationships is the tendency to believe that we can read each other's minds or that the other should read ours. We are rarely 100% accurate in interpreting another's thoughts.

We may observe a serious gesture in our partner and construct a whole internal narrative about how she is angry with us, when in reality she might be preoccupied with a work issue or just tired.

These unverified assumptions generate unnecessary drama and gratuitous suffering.

If something is important, it should be talked about. Expecting a partner to decode our silences or interpret our partner's actions without asking is a recipe for disaster.

Open and honest communication acts as a reality check. Many times, when confronting our assumptions with a partner, we discover that our interpretations were completely wrong.

Sharing honest feelings is a gift of trust. Even if we are in a state of low vibration or fatigue, it is better to communicate "I'm not at my best" than to let the other assume our bad mood is their fault. Clarity dissolves the ghosts that the mind creates in the face of lack of information.

SUMMARY

Expressing vulnerable needs and feelings directly, rather than disguising them with angry outbursts or resentful silences, is critical to avoiding destructive conflict and fostering genuine collaboration in the couple.

The belief that we can read each other's minds or that they must guess ours creates serious misunderstandings, so it is vital to verify our assumptions through explicit communication.

Speaking frankly about what is happening to us internally, even when it is uncomfortable, prevents the creation of false narratives and unnecessary drama, establishing a foundation of trust and solid relational clarity.