Judgments and Hypocrisy

Moral double standards

There is a fundamental hypocrisy in human psychology that profoundly affects our relationships: we operate with two different systems of justice, one for ourselves and one for others.

When it comes to judging others, we rely almost exclusively on their actions and tangible results.

If someone is late, we label him "irresponsible." If he says something hurtful, we classify him as "cruel."

We don't see their inner world, only the external impact of their behavior. We are harsh judges of observable facts.

However, when we judge ourselves, we change the criteria and base it on our intentions.

Rarely do we wake up in the morning with the deliberate plan to ruin our partner's day or be nasty.

When we fail or hurt someone, our immediate internal defense is: "But I didn't mean to," "I wanted to make it right," "I'm stressed."

We absolve ourselves based on what we meant to do, while condemning the other for what they did. Acknowledging this discrepancy is vital to developing tolerance.

If we demand to be judged for our good intention, we must extend that same courtesy to our partner, assuming that their mistakes may also stem from poorly executed good intentions.

The vertical comparison trap

Judgment also manifests itself through comparison, placing people on a vertical scale of value.

On the one hand, we may look down, judging someone as inferior for being less intelligent, less attractive or less successful. This is arrogance and creates contempt.

But there is an equally harmful form of judgment: looking up. This occurs when we put someone on a pedestal, idealizing them as superior to us.

Although it may look like admiration, it is actually an act of dehumanization that generates false security and eventual resentment.

Imagine an apprentice idolizing a master artist, thinking "I'll never be as good as him."

By elevating him to superhuman status, the apprentice judges himself as inadequate and sets up an insurmountable barrier to real connection. If the teacher makes a human error, the fall from the pedestal will be devastating.

Putting one's partner above oneself generates relationships of dependency and servility, where one acts falsely to please the "higher self."

Relational health requires looking each other in the eye, horizontally, recognizing that no one is fundamentally better or worse, only different in their abilities and stages of journey.

SUMMARY

We practice instinctive hypocrisy by harshly judging others for their visible actions, while absolving ourselves based on our invisible good intentions.

Vertical comparison is a relational trap; both disparaging someone as inferior and idealizing them on a pedestal prevent authentic connection and generate dynamics of arrogance or insecurity.

To heal communication, we must abandon hierarchy and apply the same compassion to others' mistakes that we apply to ourselves, seeking a relationship between imperfect equals.