Levels of Communication and Distortion

The broken telephone of interpersonal reality

Human communication is an imperfect and danger-filled process, prone to catastrophic misunderstandings.

To understand why we fail so badly at trying to connect, we must break down the communicative act into four distinct levels, where at each step information is lost or distorted.

The first level is "intent": what we really want to say or the underlying purpose of our message (to connect, to inform, to joke).

However, that pure intention must be translated into words, and here we enter the second level: "what we say".

Often, our vocabulary, tone or emphasis do not accurately reflect our original intent, creating the first gap.

The third level is "what the other person hears." Here, sensory perception and the current state of the receiver come into play.

But the most critical and dangerous level is the fourth: "what the other interprets." The receiver takes what they heard and assigns meaning based on their own filters, insecurities and state of mind.

It is quite possible that the sender's original intent is miles away from the receiver's final interpretation.

This disconnect is the source of countless conflicts, where we attack the other based on our misinterpretation, not their true intent.

The filter contaminated by previous pain

Our interpretations (the fourth level) are rarely objective; they are tainted by our recent experiences and past hurts. We can use the analogy of a severe sunburn.

If someone's skin is burned and sore, a friendly hug ;which has a caring intention; will be received as a painful aggression.

The person will react by screaming or pulling away sharply, not because the hug was bad, but because his or her "filter" (the burned skin) transformed the contact into pain.

In relationships, we carry invisible "burns": job stress, an unresolved conflict with a parent, or personal insecurity.

When our partner says something neutral or even positive, if it touches that hurt, we react with disproportionate intensity, attacking the messenger for a pain that was already there.

Often, we take our anger out on the person who "touches" the hurt, rather than addressing the original cause of the pain.

To avoid this, it is vital to apply the pause and check, "I heard you say X, is that what you meant?".

This simple question bridges the gap between intention and interpretation, saving the relationship from unnecessary conflict.

SUMMARY

Communication goes through four critical phases; intention, expression, hearing and interpretation; where the original message is often distorted, causing us to react to meanings that the other never intended to convey.

Our interpretations are contaminated by previous wounds or negative moods, acting as a sensitive skin that turns neutral or kind gestures into painful offenses and defensive reactions.

The solution to avoid conflicts based on misunderstandings is to actively verify the message received before reacting, asking the other person directly if our interpretation coincides with their true intention.