The 4 Communication Styles

The matrix of assertiveness and empathy.

To successfully navigate the complexities of human interaction, it is critical to understand the two main dimensions that govern our communication: assertiveness and empathy.

Assertiveness refers to the degree to which a person stands up for his or her own interests, expresses his or her needs, and seeks to satisfy his or her desires.

Empathy, on the other hand, measures the level of concern for others, sensitivity to their feelings and willingness to support their goals.

By crossing these two variables, four distinct communication styles emerge that define the dynamics of any relationship.

The first style is the "Dominant" style. This profile is characterized by high assertiveness but low empathy.

Their approach is one-sided: "my way or the highway". In tense situations, they tend to impose their will through aggressive argumentation, criticism or coercion, prioritizing being right over emotional connection.

At the opposite extreme we find the "Accommodator", who possesses high empathy but low assertiveness.

Their survival strategy is submission; they prefer to silence their own needs in order to keep the peace and please the other, often acting as martyrs who accumulate silent resentment as they feel their voice does not count.

From avoidance to conscious collaboration

The third style is "Avoidant," characterized by low levels of both assertiveness and empathy.

These people operate under the premise that conflict is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

They use tools such as humor, distraction, minimization ("it's no big deal") or apathy to avoid facing problems.

While this may maintain a superficial calm, it prevents any real depth in the bond, as important issues are never addressed and intimacy is sacrificed for illusory security. Finally, the ideal to which we aspire is the "Collaborative" style.

This quadrant combines high assertiveness with high empathy. The collaborator is able to express his or her needs clearly and firmly, but simultaneously maintains a genuine and active interest in his or her partner's needs. It is neither yielding nor imposing, but integrating both realities.

While dominant, accommodating and avoidant styles may work in trivial day-to-day interactions, they become destructive during major conflicts.

Consciously moving toward collaboration requires courage, as it involves exposing one's own truth while holding space for the other's truth.

SUMMARY

Communication is structured on two fundamental axes: assertiveness, which defends self-interest, and empathy, which cares for the bond with the other, generating four distinct profiles of interaction.

Unbalanced styles such as dominant, accommodating or evasive generate power dynamics, resentment or emotional distance, preventing the real resolution of the couple's deep problems.

The objective is to develop a collaborative style that integrates personal firmness with sensitivity towards the partner, allowing a conflict management that strengthens the relationship instead of damaging it.