The Internal Relationship

Mental projection and subjective reality

We tend to speak of "the relationship" as if it were an objective, tangible entity that exists in the space between two people.

However, the reality is much more complex: there are two distinct relationships, one that lives in my mind and one that lives in my partner's mind.

What I experience are not the raw facts, but my interpretation of them filtered by my beliefs, past hurts and current state of mind.

My partner does not experience the relationship in the same way; he or she has his or her own internal movie being projected simultaneously. Let's imagine we are both watching a movie screen.

I may be watching a drama about abandonment because my internal filter interprets my partner's silence as disinterest.

My partner, however, may be watching a movie about action and survival, where his silence is a strategy to manage work stress. The conflict arises when I assume that my projection is the absolute "truth."

Recognizing that the relationship is largely a subjective mental construct is the first step to stop fighting external reality and start working on internal perception.

The power to edit the internal script

The empowering news is that since I am the creator of the relationship in my head, I have the power to unilaterally change it without my partner having to do anything different at first.

If I decide to change the "script" or the "filter" with which I interpret their actions, my emotional experience instantly changes.

Instead of interpreting a forgetfulness as a lack of love, I can choose to interpret it as human distraction or stress.

By changing the narrative from "victim of a villain" to "partner of an imperfect human being," the stress diminishes.

This process requires taking 100% responsibility for the relationship that lives in my mind. I can ask myself, "What kind of relationship do I want to create in here?"

If I start attributing benevolent intentions, practicing gratitude and focusing on virtues instead of flaws, the atmosphere between the two is transformed.

By changing my "place of origin" (my inner attitude), I inevitably invite my partner to respond in a different way.

Changing the relationship in my head is the quickest and most effective way to influence the external relationship.

SUMMARY

The relationship is not a single external object, but two distinct subjective experiences occurring in each member's mind, filtered by their own perceptions, histories and emotional states.

We have the absolute power to transform the quality of the relationship by consciously modifying our internal narrative and the interpretations we make about our partner's actions and motives.

By taking responsibility for our own mental "script" and choosing a more compassionate and positive perspective, we change our emotional experience and thus the actual dynamics of the couple.