Types of Conflict

The Reality of Perpetual Problems

One of the most liberating revelations in relationship science is the distinction between resolvable problems and perpetual problems.

In-depth research, such as that conducted by the Gottman Institute, indicates that approximately 69% of conflicts in a couple are, in fact, unresolvable.

This means that the vast majority of arguments that spouses have revolve around fundamental differences in personality, values or lifestyles that will not go away.

They are like a chronic condition: they are not cured, they are managed. Trying to "solve" these problems by eliminating the difference is a recipe for eternal frustration and mutual exhaustion.

Imagine a couple where one is extremely extroverted, needing lots of social interaction to recharge energy, while the other is introverted and requires silence and solitude to feel good.

Arguing every weekend trying to convince the other that their way of being is the "right" way is futile.

The conflict here is not a mistake to be corrected, but a difference to be navigated. These couples can have the same discussion again in ten years.

Success lies not in the introvert becoming a party animal, but in both learning to dialogue about this difference with humor and acceptance, without trying to extirpate the essence of the other.

Managing the difference vs. solving the problem

The remaining 31% of conflicts are "situational" or resolvable. These relate to a specific event, such as who takes out the trash or where to spend Christmas this year.

However, the danger lies in treating perpetual problems (69%) as if they were situational.

When we do this, we get into a "gridlock" where we feel rejected by our partner.

The goal with perpetual problems is not the ultimate solution, but ongoing dialogue.

It is about moving the conflict from a state of painful "gridlock" to a state of respectful "dialogue". Accepting that there will not be perfect consensus on everything allows us to relax.

We can stop seeing difference as a threat or a sign of fatal incompatibility. Instead, we adopt a posture of curiosity and compromise.

We learn to compromise, to take turns, and to validate each other's need even if we don't share it.

If we accept that conflict is inevitable because of our unique individuality, we can stop fighting reality and start working with it.

Relational maturity is demonstrated by living peacefully with intractable disagreements, allowing both partners to be authentic without it meaning the end of the bond.

SUMMARY

Most marital conflicts are perpetual and arise from fundamental personality differences that will not go away, so trying to solve them by eliminating these differences is a futile and exhausting effort.

Success in the relationship does not depend on resolving all disagreements, but on learning to manage these chronic differences through continuous dialogue, acceptance and humor, avoiding stagnation.

Distinguishing between the situational and the perpetual allows the couple to stop fighting against each other's essence, fostering an environment of validation where disagreements coexist without threatening the union.