Communication guidelines

At this point we will focus on active listening. This is an indispensable and priority skill that you must educate in yourself. Often our communication is an accidental experience without a specific purpose. We must try to reach the receiver with the right message, but it is essential to know how to listen.

If we are distracted, if we do not accompany our verbal communication with the right body language, if we do not know who we are talking to, if we do not identify with the person on an empathic level, it will be very difficult to have true communication.

Active listening is about maintaining attention and being present by giving priority to the active and conscious part of your mind, keeping the noise of your subconscious as far away as possible.

Let's look at the main guidelines:

• Pay attention: Give your full attention to the person you are listening to. For example, you can tell yourself that your interlocutor is an important person for you. A potential partner, or an artist or athlete you are a fan of. You would surely listen attentively, trying to remember even their exact words to replicate them later.

• Use body language: Show that you are listening. More than 70% of communication is nonverbal language. When you talk to someone and avoid eye contact, it can be taken in several ways. It may imply that I'm shy, that I lack confidence or that I'm lying and can't look you in the eye. And so on with many other examples: the way we position our body, how we use our hands, the gestures we make. The important thing is to be aware of how we use our body and at the same time observe the person attentively to catch possible inconsistencies and use it as a guide for successful communication.
• Communicate on a personal level: Communication is personal. When we talk about individuality, everything has an origin. When you are born you cannot communicate, but you learn the first skills quickly. You learn that crying or smiling provokes certain reactions. In other words, you learn with feedback. With the result of interaction and dealing with others. This means that what we learn can be unlearned or improved from that base. We are influenced by our parents, school, our partner, friends, TV and social media. Each individual is a world, the result of his or her experiences. We like people who are like us and therefore we tend to reject those who are very different from us. This has nothing to do with coming from the same social milieu, or even sharing similar experiences. So when you are listening to someone you need to see them as an individual. Approach them with curiosity, with a desire to find out what they are really like and how they have been formed.
• Get involved: Empathy doesn't mean pity. It means I am going to put myself in your shoes and try to understand your situation based on what you have experienced, not what I have experienced. This usually requires effort and training. Somehow getting involved in that person's life. In order to listen, it is very important to ask questions: Can you explain that to me? What did you think? How did you feel?

You can also paraphrase. This is when you summarize what the person told you in your own words. For example, maybe you are having a conversation and you say, "This is what you mean, right? It shows that you are interested while avoiding misunderstandings.

Remember that when you are listening, your interpretation often depends on your life experience. Words that mean one thing to you may not describe the same thing to your listener.

There is also imitation. Mirroring is when we become a mirror for our interlocutor. And it is a topic that you can study independently to apply it. When we say that we like people who are like us, it means that we pay more attention when they are similar to us.

For example, if you speak softly or loudly, we will imitate your behavior, even exaggerating it a little. The same is true if you speak slower or faster. Think about how we like or dislike people depending on whether we are one way or the other, and it is only because they are different.

This imitation behavior also applies to body language of course. It's all about imitating their style. The interesting thing is that after a while they will sychronize and continue to do so unconsciously.

Imitation is very important when it comes to listening, we like people who are similar to us so bringing them into that state of synchronization is very beneficial for communication.

Main skills for active listening

• Look at the person who is talking to you: It is impolite not to pay attention when they are talking to you. Looking away all the time, being entertained with things around you, answering the phone are behaviors you should avoid. What you are transmitting is disinterest and you are telling that person that he/she is not important and that he/she is not your priority right now. Remember that it is important to be present in the moment.
• Don't interrupt: When someone is talking to you and just when they finish, or even before, you respond. What does that say about you? That while the other person was explaining you, you were already thinking about your answer and that what you have to say is more important. When someone is talking to you, it is not about you but about that person.
• Read between the lines: You have to be attentive and read between the lines, often there is more information than what is verbalized. You can rely on body language and the tone in which things are said. You always have to ask yourself why, why are they saying this, why are they saying it this way, why are they saying it that way? If you are able to get the message you can use it to reaffirm to the person that you are indeed interested in what they are saying. Most of the time we only perceive the superficial for this reason, people don't really believe that you are interested in what they are telling you.
• Putting your emotions aside: When you are blinded by emotions, you don't hear clearly. It's like a lake, when it's still everything is reflected perfectly but when it rains the image is disturbed. What you feel can distort what you hear. Especially when emotions are negative, you should take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation and resume your attention. Or if you are simply distracted at the moment, it is best to wait and let your interlocutor know that he or she has your full attention.
• Ask for clarification: Ask, don't assume you know what they are telling you. Remember that they are people with different experiences. Summarize from time to time what they are telling you, is this what I understood..., is it correct? do you mean...? You will be surprised how many times you understand incorrectly.
• Don't judge: Be careful and avoid judging while listening. Remember that we like people who are similar to us and therefore we tend to judge different people. Communicate with the person. What they are telling you is about them not you. Don't get upset when you don't agree with their point of view, or because they don't behave as you would. It is a difficult but very useful exercise to achieve true communication.
• Don't try to fix things: When a person tells us something, we feel the need to help or do something. Many times you just need to listen. They are not interested in you fixing anything. They just want to share and for you to understand them, whether it's anger, sadness or frustration. Communication is learned, so try to rate yourself with this guide. What is your strong point? Which one do you need to work on the most?