Assertive Technique V: The [Assertive Question] for handling criticism

The Instinctive Reaction to Criticism: Attack or Flight

When we receive an unexpected comment, a criticism that hurts us or an accusation that seems unfair, our first reaction is usually visceral and instinctive.

Generally, we fall into one of two extremes of non-assertive communication: either we attack and become defensive, adopting an aggressive attitude to protect ourselves, or we contract, become small and run away from the conflict, falling into a passive communication style.

Both responses, although automatic, are counterproductive, as they tend to escalate the conflict or generate internal resentment.

The assertive questioning technique offers us a powerful alternative to manage these moments without falling into these emotional traps.

Defusing Conflict with Genuine Curiosity

Instead of reacting impulsively, the assertive questioning technique consists of pausing and responding to the criticism with a question that seeks to clarify the situation.

The key is to allow the criticism, give it space without immediately judging it and, instead of defending ourselves, show genuine curiosity to understand the other person's point of view.

By asking questions, we not only deactivate our own impulse to attack or flee, but also disarm the possible hostility of our interlocutor.

For this technique to be effective, the question must be real, authentic and formulated from empathy, with a genuine interest in understanding what is behind the other person's words.

The Question Arsenal: Tools for Clarification

Having a repertoire of assertive questions allows us to have a tool ready to use in moments of tension. Some of the questions you can use are:

To seek specificity: "What exactly do you mean when you say that with me you can't talk?".

To make the problem specific: "What specifically did you not like about my behavior?".

To focus on the current situation: "What is it that bothers you about me in this particular situation?".

To look for future solutions: "What can I do so that next time this does not happen again?".

To understand the other person's perspective: "Can you explain to me what you see as negative about this situation?".

Using these questions transforms a criticism into a constructive dialogue.

The Benefits: Transferring Responsibility and Gaining Clarity

Applying assertive questioning has a twofold benefit. First, it defuses criticism and potential conflict, transforming an atmosphere of confrontation into one of collaboration.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, it holds the other person accountable for what he or she has said.

Often, criticism is impulsive and ill-considered; by asking for clarification, we force our interlocutor to reflect on his words and explain himself better, which may even lead him to qualify or withdraw his initial comment.

In this way, we not only avoid an unnecessary discussion, but also obtain valuable information that helps us to understand the true origin of the discomfort and to find a real solution.

Summary

When we receive a criticism or an accusation, our first reaction is usually to attack or flee, adopting an aggressive or passive style. Assertive questioning offers us an alternative to manage these moments without falling into traps.

Instead of reacting impulsively, the technique consists of pausing and responding to the criticism with a question that seeks to clarify the situation. It is about showing a genuine curiosity to understand the other person's point of view.

Having a repertoire of assertive questions allows us to have a tool ready to use in moments of tension. Questions such as "What exactly are you referring to?" or "What didn't you like?" transform a criticism into a dialogue.