Assertive Technique VI: The [Fog Bank] for defusing conflict.

The Conflict Scenario: Unexpected Criticism and Uncomfortable Situations

We all, at some point, face embarrassing communicative situations: an unexpected criticism at a family gathering, a reproach from a friend or an ironic comment from a colleague.

Faced with these "attacks," our instinctive reaction is usually to fall into one of two extremes: either we defend ourselves aggressively, which escalates the conflict, or we shrink back and adopt a passive posture, which generates internal frustration.

The "fog bank" technique, also known as the disarming technique, is an assertive tool designed to manage these moments, allowing us to stop an attack and deflect the conflict without giving up our position or entering into a destructive argument.

The Fog Metaphor: Slowing the Momentum and Buying Time

The name of this technique is inspired by the action of a driver who, upon encountering a dense fog bank, slows down to see the road more clearly.

In the same way, when faced with a hurtful comment or hostile criticism, instead of accelerating into an impulsive response, we apply a "brake" to the situation.

This involves taking a few seconds to breathe, process the comment and offer a brief, calm response that does not fuel the confrontation.

The goal is not to solve the problem at that moment of maximum tension, but to postpone the discussion until a more appropriate time is found, when both parties are calmer and more receptive to constructive dialogue.

The Key Principle: Give Reason without Giving Ground

The essence of the "fog bank" is to respond to criticism in an unexpected way: by agreeing with the other person about what may be true in his or her argument, or simply acknowledging his or her perception of reality.

It is not about agreeing with the whole accusation, but validating a part of it in order to disarm the interlocutor.

For example, if a friend reproaches you for never being available, instead of justifying yourself, you could say, "I understand that you are angry if you think I am never there for you."

With this phrase, you do not admit that the accusation is true, but you do validate their feeling based on their belief.

In the face of a more direct criticism such as "You're late again!", a foggy response would be, "Yes, it's true, I am late."

The Benefits: Defusing Hostility and Redirecting the Conversation

This calm, partially conciliatory response is something the interlocutor does not expect, and therefore reduces tension almost immediately.

Feeling that his criticism has been heard and not rejected outright, the person tends to relax and his aggressiveness decreases.

In this way, we avoid the impulse to enter into an argument, to justify ourselves or to counterattack.

Once the initial hostility is defused, we have the control to redirect the conversation toward a calmer analysis of the problem or simply to change the subject and address the issue later in a more appropriate context.

It is an elegant and assertive way to close a potentially contentious communication without losing our composure.

Summary

The "fog bank" technique is an assertive tool designed to manage unexpected criticism or uncomfortable situations. It allows us to stop an attack and deflect conflict without ceding our position or entering into an argument.

The essence of this technique is to respond to criticism by agreeing with the other person about what may be true. It is not a matter of agreeing with the whole accusation, but of validating a part of it.

This calm and partially conciliatory response is something that the interlocutor does not expect, so it reduces the tension almost immediately. Feeling that his or her criticism has been heard, the person tends to relax.