Assumption of Protagonism in Conflict

Recognition of one's own percentage of influence

In the anatomy of any relationship dispute, it is an analytical error to place the blame entirely on one party.

Every conflict is, by definition, a co-created system where both parties contribute elements that sustain the friction.

The technique of dividing responsibility, assuming that there is always at least a fraction of the problem that belongs to us, is vital for resolution.

Even in situations where the other's action seems flagrantly harmful, our responsibility may lie in not having set clear boundaries in time, in having tolerated previous disrespect, or in not having communicated our needs with the required firmness.

Acknowledging this share of participation does not imply unjustly blaming ourselves, but understanding that our actions or inactions are an inseparable part of the equation that generated the crisis.

Empowerment through the elimination of victimhood

Adopting the role of innocent victim in the face of relational difficulties is an extremely seductive but deeply paralyzing psychological trap.

By convincing ourselves that all suffering is unilaterally inflicted on us by an external agent, we automatically disempower ourselves.

Victimhood confines us to a passive and helpless position where we depend exclusively on the other to modify his or her behavior in order to feel good.

To break this castrating dynamic, it is essential to reappropriate control by recognizing our capacity for agency.

By consciously affirming that we have allowed, tolerated or contributed to an undesirable situation, we regain the ability to choose different responses and establish protective boundaries.

This act of honesty eradicates helplessness and gives us back command over our own affective well-being.

Letting go of excuses and justifications

The perpetuation of harmful patterns is often supported by an elaborate scaffolding of mental justifications.

It is common for the individual to rationalize his or her own destructive reactions by hiding behind the partner's previous attitudes, arguing that his or her bad behavior was inevitably provoked by the other.

However, to truly take the lead in the conflict, one must completely renounce the search for excuses.

This involves looking inward to uncover the real underlying insecurities and fears that push us to overreact.

Instead of justifying an angry outburst based on a minor fault of the spouse, the mature subject investigates why that fault triggered such a deep-seated fear.

Abandoning excuses allows the real roots of the problem to be addressed and facilitates organic growth.

SUMMARY

Recognizing the percentage of one's own responsibility in each dispute is essential for maturity. Assuming that conflicts are always co-created allows to totally abandon the destructive and limiting victim mentality.

Positioning oneself as a helpless martyr subject implies ceding all personal power to the environment. Regaining this authority requires looking critically at our active participation within the complex problematic relational dynamics.

Completely renouncing all habitual excuses stops the perpetuation of constant toxic interactions. Approaching conflicts from a protagonist position fosters real solutions based on joint growth.