Effectiveness in the Transmission of Intentions

Evaluation of results versus intentions

In interpersonal relationships, there is a fundamental axiom that dictates that the true meaning of our message is not what we intend to say, but the exact reaction we provoke in the receiver.

Many bonding frustrations stem from the mistaken belief that uttering a few words equals that they will be understood.

If an individual is trying to communicate his or her vulnerability or concerns, but the other perceives it as an attack or misunderstands it completely, the onus is on the sender to adjust the message.

Good intentions are not enough; communication only reaches the level of effectiveness when both parties share the same decoding of the content conveyed and a real, tangible understanding is generated.

Adjusting the approach when understanding fails

When the usual flow of exchange produces systematic friction, it is imperative to demonstrate flexibility and change the tactical approach.

Suppose one partner requests collaboration on logistical tasks using reproach and a stern tone; the predictable result will be partner defensiveness and outright inaction. If this strategy fails repeatedly, persisting with the complaint is absurd.

The sender must transform his or her underlying complaint-which is really an unmet need for support-into a vulnerable, assertive, nonthreatening request.

Adapting language to expose the internal emotional deficiency, rather than focusing on the other's fault, deactivates the other's shield and makes it easier for the original distress message to reach its destination with complete clarity.

Ensuring legibility in the immediate environment

A critical aspect of human interaction is that it is physically impossible to suspend the transmission of messages.

Even when a person chooses to withdraw, remain silent, or avert his or her gaze during a conflict, he or she is communicating information forcefully through the nonverbal channel.

These silences or icy postures convey volumes of frustration, defensiveness or desire for punishment.

Since we will irremediably emit signals, relational intelligence demands taking conscious control of those emissions.

Rather than allowing involuntary gestures and hostile muteness to be interpreted negatively by the environment, the assertive individual chooses to channel his or her emotions through explicit and constr