Requirements for a Viable Reconstruction

Unconditional assumption of responsibility for the acts.

For there to be even the remotest possibility of healing a bond fractured by infidelity, the fundamental and non-negotiable requirement is that the transgressing partner assumes total and absolute responsibility for his or her decisions.

This implies completely banishing the use of justifications, mitigations or the destructive tactic of blaming the other for "pushing" him/her to seek affection outside the home.

If the offender argues that he committed the act because his partner was distant or focused on his career, he is invalidating his own moral agency.

Recovery can only begin when the person who caused the harm owns his or her wrong without buts, demonstrating genuine remorse not only for having been caught, but for the level of devastation inflicted on his or her partner's psyche and the structural fabric of living together.

Patience in the face of the affected person's need for expression.

The second pillar of reconstruction is the offender's ability to stoically tolerate the victim's traumatic assimilation process.

The aggrieved party will experience waves of disbelief, anger and acute pain that will inevitably require verbalization on multiple occasions.

It is a critical mistake for the offender, motivated by his or her own guilt and discomfort, to attempt to rush forgiveness with evasive phrases that demand "putting the past behind them."

The healer must understand that the wound he or she has inflicted is deep and that the victim has the absolute right to ask questions, express desolation, and demand reassurance for as long as his or her nervous system needs to re-register safety.

Denying this processing space or becoming frustrated at the repetition of the pain is a sure sign that there is no real commitment to mutual healing.

Assessing the actual capacity to forgive

From the perspective of the betrayed member, the supreme challenge lies in executing an extremely honest assessment of his or her own capacity to absorb the impact.

He or she must isolate the pain of the moment and examine whether the pre-crisis substratum of love, original respect and companionship is sufficiently dense to withstand the titanic task of building a new trust.

In some circumstances, the magnitude of the betrayal or the behaviors associated with it cross an insurmountable line that the individual simply cannot forgive without compromising his or her emotional integrity.

Admitting that the damage is irreparable and that the bond must be dissolved is an act of extreme courage and menta