Specific Cases II: Sabotage and Secrecy

Managing non-compliance with tasks (Passive Sabotage)

It is common for couples to enthusiastically agree to do exercises at home (appointments, dialogues) and return the following week without having done anything, with excuses such as "there was no time" or "we forgot".

If this is repeated, it is not a scheduling problem, it is passive resistance or sabotage. The therapist should not simply reassign the task, but explore the blockage.

The meaning of the noncompliance should be analyzed: "What does it say about your priority that you didn't find 15 minutes all week?"

Sometimes non-compliance reveals a hidden conflict: one of the two did not want to do the task but did not dare to say so.

Making this resistance explicit makes it possible to work on the real problem (lack of assertiveness, passive punishment) rather than insisting on behavioral exercises for which they are not ready.

Handling hidden agendas and individual secrets

A major ethical and technical challenge is when the therapist discovers (usually in an individual session) that there is a relevant secret that the other partner is unaware of, such as active infidelity, massive debt, or addiction.

Couples therapy is based on honesty; keeping serious secrets makes the therapist complicit and misrepresents the treatment. A "no secrets" policy should be established from the beginning.

If a secret arises, the therapist should work with the individual to disclose it within a specified time frame, offering support to do so safely.

If the patient refuses to disclose a secret that affects the other's health or decision-making (e.g., STD risk), the therapist may be forced to end couples therapy, explaining that he or she cannot work effectively under the current conditions, without necessarily disclosing the secret explicitly but making it clear that there is an ethical impediment.

Therapy as an alibi for exit

Some couples go to therapy not to fix the relationship, but to get implicit "permission" to separate or to cushion the guilt of the one who wants to leave. It is the "exit affair" transferred to the consulting room.

One partner may subtly sabotage progress to demonstrate that "we are incompatible" and that "even therapy didn't work." Detecting this hidden agenda saves time and suffering.

If the therapist senses that one has one foot out, he or she can directly ask: "It seems that a part of you has already decided to end. Are we here to repair or to