What to avoid in communication

Providing love, care and protection to our children is a legitimate and necessary desire that fills us with satisfaction, but sometimes, when taking care of this helpless being that comes into our lives, we exceed the healthy limits by satisfying their needs, and then we become controlled by the children we love so much, who become cunning creatures that, seeking self-indulgence, threaten to destroy the peace of the home; it is then up to the parents to redirect the situation and, with intelligence, bring the upbringing of their children to a safe harbor.

The home as a battlefield

Almost all people develop the tendency to avoid mistakes by considering them as something negative in our life, ignoring the point of view of seeing in the mistake an opportunity of learning and personal growth, and that makes that many parents, trying to avoid that their children make mistakes, commit in the process of communication with them, actions that end up weakening their personality in formation.

When children grow up in an environment where verbal violence, arguments and anger, shouting and offenses predominate over reason, it only accentuates the negative attitudes that they are trying to erase. Anger and shouting only express the impotence of the parents in not being able to control the negative attitude of the children, making them experience resentment and shame; then, wishing to take control, parents use resources such as:

• Threats.

• Comparison.

• Blame.

• Scolding.

With these resources, parents try to find faults in their children's behavior or make them see that they can impose punishments and consequences when they do not act correctly.

They also point out the differences between one child and the other, and in this way they nullify the energy of the children who grow up with feelings of inferiority. But these ways of managing communication with children carry the risk that they will eventually become either docile and obedient or rebellious and defiant.

Controlling to avoid mistakes

When parents, through communication, intend to control their children's behavior and avoid mistakes in their children's future life, they sometimes use more subtle ways, trying to keep the peace in the home. Such efforts are called:

• Floating: refers to parents who are all the time on top of their children's every move, limiting their physical and emotional space and overriding their initiatives.

• Sympathizing: Refers to the attitude of parents who show pity for a moment of tension that the child is going through, such as the exam stage or preparing for a contest, for example, instead of showing empathy, which is to express that they understand what the child is going through, and stimulate him/her to cheer up and take action.

• Fixing: Consists in solving simple daily tasks for the child, such as making his bed, picking up his room, talking to a teacher about a specific situation, becoming a dependent being.

• Rescue:It has to do with adult intervention to prevent children from facing certain consequences caused by their actions or choices.
• Flip-flopping: Refers to when parents remove previously set behavioral limits, thus weakening the structure on which children's discipline rests.

• Catering: This is the complacent way of catering to the child's every whim, thinking that this will make the child happier.

• Supplication: It is the way some parents use to obtain obedience from their children.

• Bribery: It is when parents pretend that children comply with their tasks in order to obtain in exchange something that is promised to them, being these tasks part of their daily obligations, which creates in children a false concept of responsibility.

• Giving in: When the child gets what he/she wants by complaining and whining, making parents lose patience and want to get rid of these annoying actions, granting what the children want.

• Avoidance: This is when parents disappear completely because they feel overwhelmed and insecure with the amount of needs involved in parenting, thus denying them support and guidance.

Communicating to educate

When children grow up with proper communication with their parents, they develop a mature personality that prepares them to take on new challenges, with healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. Throughout childhood, parents should ensure quality communication based on listening to them attentively, without interrupting them unnecessarily, making them feel appreciated as unique and valuable beings; providing guidance, but avoiding talking excessively and with respect.

As long as children feel that their ideas and feelings are respected by their parents, they will grow up with an attitude of respect towards the criteria of others, which will lay a good foundation for their relationships in the future. There is no doubt that communication is the basis of the necessary accompaniment for children, because through communication parents transmit their example and share love and values useful for life.