Application of the xyz model to avoid negative behaviors

The 4 behaviors that predict divorce according to John Gottman

The XYZ model is especially useful for avoiding destructive communication patterns.

Psychologist John Gottman identified four behaviors that predict a breakup: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The XYZ model helps us directly combat these behaviors.

How the XYZ model judges actions, not the person

Criticism attacks the other person's personality ("you're selfish"). The XYZ model teaches us to change our approach, judging the specific action (''when you didn't call me...'').

Avoid expressions like ''You're selfish''

The model also helps us express our feelings (''I felt unappreciated...''), which is more constructive than showing contempt and helps build empathy in the other person.

Make it easy for the other person to understand how we feel

The final part, the request (''I would have liked it if you had called me...''), combats defensiveness and evasions.

By proposing a solution, we open the door to dialogue. Turn a complaint into a constructive conversation, essential for healthy relationships.

Summary

The XYZ model is effective in preventing harmful patterns in relationships, such as those that predict breakups according to John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and evasion.

This model allows you to focus communication on facts and emotions without attacking the person. Instead of saying "you're selfish," you point out a specific action and how it made you feel, which encourages empathy.

In addition, by including a clear request, you prevent the other person from becoming defensive. Thus, you transform the complaint into an opportunity for understanding and improving the relationship.