Unhelpful beliefs

Good morning, coach, we perceive a certain tone of weariness in his voice.

Without allowing us to return the greeting, he continues in his soliloquy:

• I am very bad. My hours of rest are summarized in a fiction movie. Household chores require time off, don't they? I have to work, despite my fifty years. On top of that, I have to be available in case my children or grandchildren have any problems. I live with my children. One is twenty-five and the oldest just entered his thirties a month ago. I feel like I am drowning. It seems that all my problems are coming together, like a concatenation of tragic events. I don't know what misfortune life has planned for me today. I can't take it anymore and contradictorily I know I must be stronger.

Accepted beliefs.

There comes a crucial moment, in which our own beliefs are revealed, our neurons "collapse" or we simply get tired of dealing with the heavy load we carry on our backs. Could we notice the beliefs that predominate in this lady? To begin with, why do you have to do all the housework alone? Why don't you have free time? We observe the beliefs of capacity: "I can't do it anymore"; of deservedness: "I am waiting for the misfortune that will happen today"; and the beliefs of possibility: "I have to be available". The question is: Why? You have to maintain the household economically and affectively. You have the function of acting as "family God".

Questioning.

The God who can do all things and fixes all things. To the question: Where is your husband? She answers, looking reluctantly at the clock:

• That cushion? Watching soccer, that's all he's interested in. My children, poor things, I can't ask them to help me because they work every day. They are already too stressed out.
• And you are not? Is your health less important?

• Yes, it is important, but I do what a mother should do... Have you taught your children and husband to have some consideration for you and your needs?

• Did you? No. Just seeing them happy rewarded me. You use the term "children" a lot, why do you still see your children, now adults and grown up, as children?

• Because they are my children.

• Don't you think that continuing to treat them that way could be a problem?

• Do you think it encourages independence, the very independence you are unconsciously demanding they have?

• To have to do something that does not correspond to them, for example? Their duty was to study and now they have to work and be happy.
• What does sacrifice mean to you - she remained thoughtful for a few seconds.
• My dream, since I was little, was to be a mother and when they were born I promised myself that they would never have to sacrifice. I would give them everything.
• So it's not up to them to help you?
• No...let's see...well...yes...but.

• What does being a good mother mean to you?

• Giving my own life, if necessary, for them.

• And in the process of giving your own life, haven't you forgotten to live yours? Or, to allow them to live theirs and to develop autonomy, so that they can fend for themselves?

• Yes, but if I let them do what they want, am I still a good mother? I am afraid that they will stop loving me or feel that they can trust me with all their problems, something my mother never did. Feeling that they put their trust in me reassures me.

Observation.

Clear and manifest example of useless beliefs. This woman was trying to uproot herself from a maternal referent, not useful at all: indifference, which led her to be the most overprotective mother in the world. She did not delegate to anyone, nor did she rely on a father figure. She came to us because of a problem of incapacity, victimhood and aggressiveness of her environment towards her. A belief she harbored for more than fifty years. My children cannot help me. I am a good mother if I help them in everything. I have to carry their responsibilities. I can't let them live their own lives, because a mother's duty is to be there for everything. Let's face it, these beliefs are useless.

However negative a belief may be, there is a positive reinforcement, which is the one that does not allow us to leave that comfort zone, and therefore the habit of always thinking about it and following the same patterns is activated relatively often. In the example, the lady was "anxious" to achieve a maternal-filial bond, which she did not manage to establish. This feeling gives meaning to her life. I am stressed but I have fulfilled a purpose. I am a good mother. Looking at it through the lens of her past experiences, if her mother never achieved an emotional closeness with her, getting "her children" to trust and depend on her gave her permission to admit what a good mother she was.

Continue to question yourself.

Never stop asking and questioning. To new beliefs, new questions. The only way to reprogram our subconscious is to acquire the habit of constancy. Let's stop justifying:

• Does my belief have real, objective evidence or not? What facts prove it?

• With what objective do I maintain this belief? What or who are the injured parties?

• What positive elements do they bring me?

• What emotions do I feel when this belief develops? Do I want to continue to feel them? Am I willing to change?

Socratic questioning guide.

We will summarize the guide of Socratic questions, seen in previous videos, with the intention of leaving formulated the manual to guide us on the path towards the search for answers:

• What state am I in right now?

• What results do I get with that state?

• What things have I prioritized less because of being immersed in that state?

• Does it affect my life in any way?

• What would happen if the situation were positively reversed?

• What kind of elements act as a conditioning factor to avoid it?

• Which people help or do not help you to change it? Why?