Connection Offers (Bids)

The micro-anatomy of daily interaction

Relationships are not defined solely by grand romantic gestures or expensive vacations, but by the accumulation of thousands of tiny, everyday interactions. These interactions are called "connection offers" (bids).

A bids can be as subtle as a sigh, a smile, a comment about the weather, or reading a newspaper headline aloud.

Although on the surface they seem trivial, at the underlying level each of these actions holds a vital question: "Do you care about me?", "Are you there for me?", "Are you paying attention to me?".

The health of the relationship depends mathematically on how these little invitations are answered.

Imagine that one partner is looking out the window and says, "Look at that strange bird!".

In that moment, he is not talking about ornithology; he is asking for a moment of shared connection. The other has three response options.

The first is "turning toward": stop what you are doing, look and comment with interest. This places a coin of trust in the emotional piggy bank.

The second is "turning against": responding with hostility or sarcasm ("Can't you see I'm busy? Stop talking nonsense").

The third, and often the most destructive in its subtlety, is "turning away": not responding, continuing to look at the phone or changing the subject, which sends the message that the other is invisible.

The statistics of success and mindfulness

Laboratory research with couples has yielded compelling data: couples who stay together and happy over the long term respond positively to these offers ("turn toward") about 86% of the time.

In contrast, couples who end up divorcing only respond positively 33% of the time. The difference is abysmal. This shows that love thrives on attention.

It doesn't require a two-hour in-depth conversation every time; often, a simple nod, a look in the eye or a brief but enthusiastic response is enough to validate each other's existence.

The challenge for many people, especially those who are task-focused or who highly value their autonomy, is recognizing these offers when they occur.

We are often so engrossed in our screens or thoughts that we miss these opportunities for connection.

Improving the relationship requires developing "relational mindfulness," a radar turned on to detect when our partner is trying to connect, however awkwardly or indirectly.