Hearts and Minds

The strategy of benevolent conquest

We can borrow an analogy from the realm of military and geopolitical strategy known as "Winning Hearts and Minds."

In the context of a conflict or intervention in someone else's territory, brute force may achieve temporary submission, but never loyalty.

To obtain real and lasting cooperation, it is necessary to first win the hearts of the population by meeting their basic needs, showing respect and offering genuine help.

Only when affective trust (the heart) has been won, are people willing to be open to new ideas and perspectives (the mind).

In couple relationships, we often make the mistake of trying to "win the mind" of the other through logic, argumentation and debate, completely ignoring the state of their heart.

We try to convince our partner that we are right, that their point of view is wrong or that they should change, all from an intellectual and sometimes arrogant stance. However, no one changes their mind by being attacked or invalidated.

If the heart feels threatened or disconnected, the mind closes itself hermetically to any influence.

The door of the mind opens only from within, and the key is emotional security.

Giving to receive: the cycle of influence

The practical application of this strategy involves shifting the focus from "demanding" to "giving."

If we want to influence our partner, we must first ask ourselves, "What can I contribute to her life? How can I make her feel safe, valued, and understood?"

By meeting her emotional needs and demonstrating with actions (not just words) that we are on her side, we win her heart.

When someone feels deeply loved and respected, their natural resistance decreases and they become receptive to our influence.

They willingly give us their mind because they trust our intentions. This dynamic creates a virtuous cycle.

By investing in each other's well-being and seeking connection before correction, we establish a foundation of emotional capital.

Instead of fighting endless battles of egos where both lose, we build an alliance where both win.

The fundamental lesson is that influence in a relationship is not achieved through dominati