Step 2 - Shared Understanding

The dynamics of Inquiry and Disclosure

Once respect has been established, we enter into the heart of conflict resolution: creating a "Pool of Shared Understanding".

The most common mistake in this phase is to jump prematurely into proposing solutions or trying to convince the other of our reason.

The objective here is not to decide anything yet, but to collect information to get a complete picture of reality, which is composed of two valid perspectives.

For this, we use two tools: Inquiry (asking) and Disclosure (sharing). Ideally, we start with Inquiry, adopting the role of the curious explorer.

Questions such as "How do you see this situation?", "What does this make you feel?" or "What is behind your position?" invite the couple to pour their content into the common pool.

As the other speaks, our task is to listen to understand, not to refute. We must validate their experience, letting them know that their vision makes sense to us, even if we disagree with their conclusions.

This validation disarms resistance and satisfies the basic human need to be heard.

Assertive expression and building the complete map.

The counterpart is Disclosure. Here, we express our own perspective using first-person statements ("I feel," "I think") rather than accusations ("You do").

It is crucial to be clear but tentative, presenting our view as "one" way of looking at the facts, not as the absolute "truth".

We share our feelings, our interpretations and the story of how we arrived at them.

For example, "When you didn't tell me about dinner, I felt ignored and assumed you didn't value my time."

The process is a constant back and forth between probing and disclosing until you both feel that everything relevant has been said and understood.

Let's imagine we are putting together a jigsaw puzzle; we each have half of the pieces.

Only by putting all the pieces on the table (the common background) can we see the whole picture.

Often, this simple act of deep understanding dissolves the conflict without the need to negotiate anything further.

Feeling understood, partners often soften their positions and naturally move closer together.

Although it seems like a slow process, it saves time in the long run by avoiding false solutions based on misunderstandings.

SUMMARY

This step focuses on building a complete map of reality through balanced alternation between asking with genuine curiosity and sharing one's perspective with clarity and without aggression.

It is critical to avoid prematurely seeking solutions and to prioritize validation of the other's experience, recognizing that both subjective views are necessary pieces to understanding the overall conflict.

By filling the common ground with meaning, an empathic connection is generated that often dissolves the tension on its own, laying the groundwork for solid agreements based on real mutual understanding.