The Conflict Model

The Anatomy of Reaction and the Turning Point

To navigate the turbulent waters of marital disagreements, it is critical to understand the internal mechanics of how we process stressful events.

The "Conflict Model" provides us with a detailed map of what happens in milliseconds within our psyche. It all starts with a "triggering event".

Let us imagine, for example, that one of the partners spends a considerable sum of money on a personal whim without consulting the other, affecting the family budget.

This objective fact is not the conflict itself, but the spark. Immediately, this event passes through the filter of our "thoughts".

This is where we assign meaning: "Why did he do this, does he not respect our joint effort? It is an act of pure selfishness."

These internal narratives, often automatic and unconscious, are the real fuel for the fire. Thoughts are inevitably followed by "feelings".

If the mental interpretation was one of disrespect, the resulting emotion will be anger, betrayal or financial fear.

It is here that we come to the critical point in the model: the "Moment of Choice". This is an instant of awareness, often fleeting, where we have the power to decide our course of action.

Most people, for lack of emotional training, skip this pause and go straight to "reaction", driven by the brain amygdala.

However, pausing at this threshold is what differentiates a destructive fight from a constructive conversation.

In this space of freedom, one decides whether to act from one's values and love, or to let oneself be hijacked by the impulse to protect and attack.

Cycles of weakening vs. Cycles of strengthening

Depending on what we do in that "Moment of Choice," the interaction will take one of two divergent paths.

If we operate under fear-based assumptions (such as "if I don't yell, they won't listen" or "this is going to end badly"), we will enter the "Weakening Behavior Cycle."

Here we resort to defensive communication styles: we dominate by attacking, evade by running away, or accommodate with resentment.

This generates toxic patterns such as escalating aggression or the law of ice, resulting in loss of trust, emotional wounds and unresolved problems.

It is a self-fulfilling prophecy where fear of conflict generates, precisely, destructive conflict.

Conversely, if in that moment of pause we choose to breathe and activate trust-based assumptions (such as "my partner loves me and we can work this out" or "his intention was not to hurt me"), we enter the "Empowering Behavior Cycle."

This conscious choice leads us to collaboration. Instead of blaming, we seek to understand; instead of winning, we seek to connect.

The result of this path is emotional safety, goodwill and synergistic solutions.

Changing the internal narrative from one based on fear to one based on trust is the master switch that allows us to respond with maturity instead of reacting with immaturity, transforming a potential disaster into an opportunity for togetherness.

SUMMARY

Conflict does not arise from the external event, but from the mental interpretation that triggers intense emotions, bringing us to a crucial moment where we can choose to react impulsively or respond consciously.

If we act out of fear and defensiveness, we enter a destructive cycle that weakens the relationship, perpetuating toxic patterns of attack or avoidance that prevent any real resolution.

By choosing trust-based assumptions during the reflective pause, we activate a cycle of empowerment that fosters collaboration and safety, transforming crisis into an opportunity for connection.