Withdrawal and Avoidance

The choreography of pursuit and distancing.

One of the most common and frustrating dances in conflictual relationships is the demand-withdrawal pattern.

In this dynamic, one partner assumes the role of "pursuer," seeking to address problems, request changes or seek emotional connection, often with some anxiety or insistence.

The other adopts the role of "distancing" or avoidant, reacting to pressure by withdrawing physically or emotionally, keeping silent (known as the "stone wall") or changing the subject to avoid confrontation.

This interaction becomes a vicious cycle where the strategy of one feeds the reaction of the other.

Let's illustrate this with a couple who need to plan their finances or a vacation.

The pursuer insists, "We need to talk about this now, we can't keep putting it off."

The avoider, feeling overwhelmed by the urgency or tone, responds evasively, "I'm tired, we'll see you later," or simply dives into the TV.

The more the pursuer presses for an answer, the more the evader becomes overwhelmed and the more he withdraws.

The more the evader withdraws, the more the pursuer becomes desperate and increases in intensity.

Both feel victimized by the other: one feels ignored and abandoned; the other feels harassed and controlled.

Neither gets what they need and the underlying problem remains unresolved, buried under layers of mutual frustration.

Breaking the cycle through role reversal and space management.

To dismantle this pattern, it is necessary to understand that both behaviors are maladaptive anxiety management mechanisms. The solution requires a coordinated effort to change the choreography.

The pursuer must learn to step back and reduce the pressure, understanding that his insistence is causing the flight he so fears.

He must learn to raise issues gently and give space for the other to process. However, this is only possible if the avoidant takes responsibility.

The distancer must stop running away and commit to communication. An effective strategy is for the avoidant to be the one to define the "when" and the "how".

If he or she cannot talk at that time because he or she feels overwhelmed, he or she should say, "I can't right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I promise we'll talk about this on Saturday morning."

By setting a specific date, the avoider regains control over the situation (reducing his anxiety) and offers the pursuer the assurance that the issue will be addressed (reducing abandonment anxiety).

Sometimes, withdrawal is necessary as a "time out" to avoid physical or verbal aggression, but it should always be a tactical pause with guaranteed return, not a permanent avoidance of reality.

SUMMARY

The demand-withdrawal pattern creates a vicious cycle where the insistence of one provokes the flight of the other, and the flight of the latter increases the desperation and pressure of the former.

This dynamic polarizes the couple, leaving one feeling abandoned and the other harassed, preventing conflict resolution and increasing emotional distance and accumulated resentment.

The solution involves the pursuer reducing the pressure and the evader committing to defining specific times for dialogue, transforming flight into responsible management of communication times.