The hexaflex explained: the 6 pillars of psychological flexibility - therapy acceptance commitment

An overview of psychological flexibility

Psychological flexibility is the ability to be in contact with what is happening inside and outside of you, to open up to experience as it is, and to respond deliberately according to what matters to you. It is not about feeling good all the time, but about living well, even when what you feel is difficult. Rather than fighting thoughts and emotions, this approach proposes relating to them in a broader and more useful way.

This way of being in the world is supported by six processes that enhance each other. You can think of them as practices that, combined, help you move with more clarity and purpose. You don’t need to master them perfectly; the work consists of training them little by little, in real situations, with kindness toward yourself.

The six core processes and how they apply

The following pillars function as a map. They are not linear steps or rigid rules: they are skills that interlace and that you can activate depending on the moment.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not resignation or giving up. It is making room for the emotions, sensations, and memories that arise, without trying to control them at all costs. When you stop spending energy avoiding or suppressing, you regain resources to act in the direction of what matters to you. Acceptance is active: you choose to allow the internal experience and, from there, choose how to respond externally.

• Notice the emotion and name it gently: “this is anxiety,” “this is sadness.”
• Breathe toward the bodily sensation and make room for it, as if you were expanding the room that contains it.
• Ask yourself: “Can I carry this and still take a small step toward what I value?”

Cognitive defusion

The mind talks automatically and sometimes its stories sound like absolute truths. Defusion consists of taking distance from those thoughts to see them for what they are: words, images, predictions. You don’t need to fight them; it’s enough to peel them off enough so they stop directing your behavior. That distance opens up options.

• Prefix a difficult thought with “I am having the thought that…”.
• Imagine the thought written on a passing cloud or on a leaf floating downstream.
• Say the phrase quietly several times until it loses intensity and feels like a sound.

Present-moment awareness

Being present is anchoring yourself in the current moment with curiosity. Instead of getting lost in the past or future, you return to the body, the senses, to what you are doing now. Mindful attention is not forcing calm; it is cultivating a quality of open, non-reactive attention that allows you to notice what matters and choose the next action more skillfully.

• Use a brief anchor: feel the contact of your feet with the ground for three breaths.
• Take a 30-second pause and name three things you see, hear, and feel.
• In a routine task, slow down and notice each micro-step as if it were the first time.

Self as context

Beyond your stories, there is a “place” from which you observe everything that happens: thoughts, emotions, roles, memories. This perspective is sometimes called the observing self. From there, you can hold intense experiences without getting stuck in them. It doesn’t magically soften the pain, but it reminds you that you are larger than any passing mental content.

• Imagine sitting in the observer’s chair and watching your experience pass by on a stage.
• Notice: “There is sadness here” instead of “I am a sad person.”
• Recall very different moments of your life and notice that the space that notices them is the same.

Values

Values are directions, not check-box goals. They point to how you want to behave continuously: with what qualities, in service of what. Clarifying them helps you decide in uncertainty and tolerate the discomfort that sometimes comes with living according to what matters to you. They are not what “should” matter; they are personal, shifting choices.

• Ask: “If no one were watching, what kind of person do I want to be in this situation?”
• Choose three to five guiding words (for example, care, learning, honesty, courage).
• Write why they matter to you and how they look in observable behaviors in your daily life.

Committed action

This is about translating values into concrete, sustainable behaviors. Don’t wait to feel perfect before acting; committed action accepts discomfort as part of the path. The focus is on feasible steps, iterating, and learning from stumbles without self-punishment. Consistency, not perfection, is what generates change.

• Define a small, specific, and scheduled step (what, when, where, how long).
• Anticipate barriers and prepare micro-alternatives for when they appear.
• Review weekly: what worked, what can I adjust, what is the next minimal step?

How they intertwine in real situations

Imagine you need to have a difficult conversation. Beforehand, you notice a knot in your stomach and a torrent of “better avoid it.” You practice present-moment awareness to feel the body and the surroundings. From the observing self, you recognize that there is anxiety, but you are not the anxiety. With acceptance, you make room for the discomfort. Applying defusion, you see the thought “it’s going to go badly” as a sentence, not an order. You remember your value of honesty and care, and you choose a committed action: ask the person for ten minutes, prepare two key messages, and speak respectfully.

In this example, you did not eliminate the discomfort. You used it as a signal and, at the same time, oriented yourself by what you value. That is the heart of the approach: respond with intention, even when the mind and body are noisy.

Common mistakes and how to avoid them

• Turning acceptance into a technique to “stop feeling”: its purpose is to make space, not to anesthetize.
• Using defusion as an endless debate: if you get tangled, return to the body and to small action.
• Confusing values with goals: “health” is a value; “walk 20 minutes today” is a goal serving that value.
• Waiting for perfect motivation: motivation often appears after starting, not before.
• Judging yourself for “not doing it well”: notice the judgment, make room for it, and return to the next viable step.

A simple seven-day plan to get started

• Day 1: write three values and a personal reason for each.
• Day 2: practice a one-minute mindful pause three times a day.
• Day 3: choose a difficult thought and add “I am having the thought that…” to it.
• Day 4: identify a recurring emotion and practice breathing space into it for 90 seconds.
• Day 5: define a minimal action aligned with a value (10 to 15 minutes) and put it on the calendar.
• Day 6: after the action, record what helped, what got in the way, and one adjustment for next time.
• Day 7: review the week from the observing self; acknowledge your effort and choose the next step.

Signs that it may be helpful to seek support

If you notice that the distress overwhelms you frequently, that your coping attempts are harming you, or that you have great difficulty translating values into actions, consider working with a mental health professional trained in these approaches. The goal is not to become dependent on someone, but to train these skills with guidance and safety, and then continue practicing them in your everyday life.

Training these processes is a journey, not a destination. There will be smooth days and awkward days. The important thing is to keep coming back, again and again, to what matters and to the next possible step. With patience and practice, that combination of openness, attention, and action gains ground and becomes a kinder and more effective way of being with yourself and the world.