Self-Deception and its Consequences

Self-deception, or a lack of honesty about who we are, has devastating consequences on confidence.

Projecting a false image to impress others, whether personally or professionally, sets up untenable expectations.

When the truth of our actions is revealed, the other person feels a profound betrayal and, in some cases, the relationship can break down irreparably.

Pretense and false promises

Pretending to be someone you are not is an act of self-deception that has serious consequences in relationships.

When you try to impress someone by seducing them into being something you are not, something that is not sustainable, by being nicer than you usually are, more present than you would like to be in the long run, more considerate and loving than you really are, then you are setting that person up to be disappointed in the future.

Confidence can act as a restraint for someone who is pretending to be something they are not.

By behaving in a certain way, the other person will make a series of assumptions about you with a certain degree of certainty based on what you have shown.

And if you act in a way that is outside the image he or she has conceptualized about you, he or she will realize that you are not who he or she thought you were.

Idealization and the feeling of betrayal

If I thought I knew who you were, but deep down, I didn't because it was all a show, but I trusted you on that basis, then I have ruled out all possibilities.

This includes things that could hurt me.

So when you act in a way that is contrary to what I thought of you, it will either be a lesson because I will need to update the way I conceptualize who you are to match the reality of who I have in front of me.

Or on a darker end of the spectrum, it can be destructive because you might have betrayed my trust beyond repair by being unfaithful, for example.

And when that happens, it means that the whole story I was telling me about who you are, the nature of our relationship, the past we shared together or the future I imagined for us, was all a lie.

It is destructive to the self-esteem of those who go through it, and they will protect themselves in not being able to trust again.

Honesty as a pillar of the relationship

The first pillar of any healthy relationship is our ability to tell the truth. Basically, we betray ourselves when we are not able to do so.

And there are two main reasons why we will compromise the truth.

Either I want to manage the image you have of me, and therefore I care more about my image than my personality because I'm trying to please you and match what I think you'll like.

Or simply because it makes me feel good to be liked for what I am not at the expense of my integrity.

Or because it's a poor way for me to handle your behaviors.

I can't be honest with you because if I were authentic, I'm afraid of how you might react.

In the end, compromising the truth is trying to bend reality to fit what we want at any given moment.

But make no mistake, there will come a time when the truth will catch up with you.

So a trusting relationship is built on a foundation of truth that allows us to have reasonable expectations about the people we deal with, which in turn ensures that we don't have to worry about what might be done to us.

Summary

Self-deception, by projecting a false image, sets up unsustainable expectations of others. When the truth of our actions are revealed, the other person feels a deep betrayal that can break the relationship. Self-deception is the act of pretending to be someone you are not.

People pretend to control how others perceive them or out of fear of how they would react if they were authentic. This behavior is an attempt to manipulate reality to fit our desires. However, the truth will always come out.

Honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It allows people to have reasonable expectations and avoids constant worry about betrayal. Being authentic and honest is the path to meaningful and lasting relationships.