The Blame Game and Criticism

The blame and criticism game is one of the most destructive behaviors in communication.

Blame is a manifestation of emotional discomfort, where we project our frustration onto others.

When blaming someone, the underlying idea is, "You are not behaving in the way that makes me feel good, and you should change to make me happy."

While there is always a reason to feel angry, it is often not the right reason.

Blame is a waste of time, as it diverts attention away from one's own problems and focuses it on others.

The Ineffectiveness of Blame and Criticism

Psychologist Burrhus Frederic Skinner demonstrated that rewarding positive behaviors is much more effective than punishing negative ones.

This means that no matter how much you blame someone, you are not going to change them.

Blaming only makes the other person defensive, justified and resentful, which damages the relationship.

A clear example of this is the use of phrases such as "you always overreact to silly things" or "because of you, my night was ruined".

These types of comments, which attack the person rather than the behavior, are ineffective in generating positive change.

The source of destructive criticism

Destructive criticism often masquerades as "feedback" and is intended to hurt another's pride.

For example, a boss who belittles an employee's work with comments such as, "No wonder your deliverables look like drafts now that you're late," is not trying to help, but rather blaming and attacking.

In contrast, constructive criticism focuses on the problem, not the person, and is offered in a tone that is respectful and appreciative of the other's effort.

Assertiveness as an alternative

To break the cycle of blame, it is vital to recognize that the focus should not be on what the other person does, but on how it makes us feel.

Instead of blaming, an assertive response would be to express our feelings and needs, and work to find solutions that benefit both parties.

In this way, blame and criticism are replaced with productive dialogue, which strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.

Summary

The blame game and criticism is one of the most destructive behaviors in communication. Blame is a manifestation of discomfort, which diverts attention from our own problems and focuses it on others.

Psychologist B. F. Skinner demonstrated that rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative ones. Destructive criticism only makes the other person defensive and resentful, which damages the relationship.

To break the cycle of blame, it is vital to focus on how the other person's behavior makes us feel, rather than blaming the other person. An assertive response expresses feelings and needs, which strengthens the relationship rather than destroys it.