Assertive Technique I: The use of [I-messages].

The Basis of the "I-Messages": Communicating from One's Own Experience

One of the most important techniques used in assertive communication is the use of "I-messages".

This tool allows us to express our feelings and needs in a clear and direct way, but without falling into aggressiveness or passivity.

Its power lies in the fact that, instead of accusing or judging the other person, we speak from our own experience.

With this, we are able to freely express our feelings, avoiding repressing what makes us feel bad, as a passive person would do, and without the need to attack, as an aggressive person would do.

It is about taking responsibility for our emotions, recognizing that, if something makes us feel bad, we have the right to consider it important and communicate it, regardless of how silly it may seem to others.

The Four-Step Structure for Clear, Non-Aggressive Communication

For an "I Message" to be effective, it must follow a well-defined four-step structure that facilitates understanding and minimizes defensiveness on the part of the interlocutor.

Objective description of the behavior: We begin by describing the specific behavior of the other person that affects us, without judgment or condemnation. For example: "When you are late...".

Expression of personal feeling: Next, we describe in the first person how the behavior makes us feel. For example: "...I feel bad...".

Explanation of the consequences: We explain objectively why this behavior affects us in this way, i.e., what are the direct consequences for us. For example: "...because I have been waiting for a long time".

Clear and polite request for change: Finally, we express in a polite and concrete way what we would like the other person to do or change. For example: "...so I ask you to please be on time from now on".

The Benefits of Speaking in the First Person: Assuming Responsibility

The main benefit of using this structure is that it allows us to make our feelings clear in an objective and non-aggressive way, asserting our rights without attacking the other person.

By saying "I feel" instead of "you make me feel," we take responsibility for our own emotions.

This radically changes the dynamics of the conversation, since we are not passing judgment on the other, but sharing our personal experience.

In this way, we invite the other person to empathize with us instead of defending against an accusation.

Assertiveness gives us the right to be the judges of our own feelings and to accept them as valid; if something affects us, it is important, and we have the right to communicate it and ask for a change of attitude.

Mutual Respect and Freedom of Choice in Assertiveness

It is fundamental to understand that, even if we express our request in an assertive way, the other person has all the right in the world not to change his or her behavior.

Assertiveness is not a manipulative tool to always get what we want, but a channel for honest communication.

However, just as the other person has the right not to change, we also have the right to make our own decisions accordingly.

For example, if despite our request, that person is still consistently late, we have the right to decide not to meet him or her again.

In this way, the "I Message" serves not only to express our needs, but also as a basis for establishing healthy boundaries in our relationships, always based on mutual respect.

Summary

One of the most important techniques of assertive communication is the use of "I-messages". This tool allows us to express our feelings and needs in a clear and direct way, but without being aggressive.

For an "I-Message" to be effective, it must follow a well-defined four-step structure. It starts by describing the behavior, then the personal feeling is expressed, the consequences are explained and finally a change is requested.

The main benefit of this structure is that it allows us to make our feelings clear in a non-aggressive way. By saying "I feel" instead of "you make me feel," we take responsibility for our own emotions.