The “I Feel” Message Technique

In the heat of a conflict, it's very easy for conversations to become accusatory, transforming the problem into a personal attack.

To avoid this destructive dynamic and encourage constructive dialogue, one of the most effective tools is the "I feel" message technique.

This formula allows the person to express their needs and feelings without blaming the other, shifting the focus from "you are wrong" to "this is how I experience it."

The "I feel" message is made up of four key steps that structure communication in a respectful and clear way: When...

(Describe the specific, observable behavior): In this first step, the objective is to describe the situation or behavior that bothers you objectively, without judgments or generalizations.

Instead of saying "you always interrupt me," you would say "when you interrupt me while I'm talking...".

By focusing on the fact, you reduce the likelihood that the other person will become defensive, since it is more difficult to discuss a fact than a judgment.

I feel... (Express your emotion): Instead of saying "you make me feel...", the focus is on the emotion itself.

It is crucial to use words like "frustrated", "worried", "sad" or "anxious" to connect with your feelings in an honest way.

This part of the message is a description of your internal state, something that no one can deny, and that is less threatening to the other person.

Because... (Explain the impact or the unmet need): In this step, you explain the consequence of the behavior in question and why it is important to you.

You connect the other person's behavior with a need of your own that is not being met.

For example, "because we are losing valuable time in the agenda and I am worried about not finishing my tasks."

This explanation helps the other person understand the real impact of their actions without making them feel accused.

I I would like to...

(Propose a specific action or change): Finally, a proposal for action or a specific change is presented in a clear and negotiable way.

The key is that it is not a demand, but an invitation to seek a joint solution.

For example, "I would like you to let me know in the future if you are going to be late."

A complete example of this formula could be: "When you arrive late to meetings (fact), I feel frustrated (emotion) because we lose valuable time on the agenda (impact).

I would like you to be punctual or let me know in advance if you are going to be late (request)."

This technique transforms an accusatory complaint into a resolution conversation, strengthening the relationship by demonstrating respect and a genuine desire to find a solution that works for both of you.

Summary

The "I feel" message technique is an effective tool for preventing conversations from becoming accusatory. It allows you to express your feelings without blaming others, shifting the focus to your own experience.

It consists of four steps: describing the target behavior ("When..."), expressing your personal emotion ("I feel..."), explaining the impact ("Because..."), and proposing a specific change ("I would like...").

This technique transforms a complaint into a constructive conversation. By focusing on the facts and your own emotions, you reduce the likelihood of the other person becoming defensive.