Referent Building and Cooperation

Managing Frustration in the Face of Juvenile Resistance

The bonding process between a stepparent and a youth is rarely linear or frictionless.

The adult may attempt to share his or her talents, knowledge or wisdom with the best of intentions, only to be met with a response of indifference or explicit rejection by the child.

At these times, it is crucial that the adult does not take the reaction as a personal affront or allow his or her ego to be violated.

Adolescence and childhood in separation contexts are stages of high reactivity; therefore, the task of the referent is to persist in offering care without expecting immediate reciprocity.

Understanding that learning and acceptance occur in the child's time, and not under the adult's demand, is a lesson of humility necessary for coexistence.

Active encouragement of absent biological figures

A mature co-parenting strategy involves respecting and, where possible, encouraging the image of the non-resident parent.

The new family member can strengthen his or her own position if he or she is able to validate the virtues and abilities of the biological other in front of the children.

For example, encouraging a child to consult his or her biological parent on a subject in which the latter excels demonstrates that there is no competition for affection.

This gesture of emotional generosity disarms divided loyalties in children, allowing them to feel that it is safe to love all of their adult referents without fear of betraying any of them.

Restraint not to contaminate the child's vision.

Despite possible differences or resentments that may exist between ex-partners, it is an ethical imperative to avoid defaming the other parent in front of the offspring.

Using children as messengers of hostility or pouring criticism on the behavior of the other adult poisons the child's perception and generates profound psychological damage.

True protection of child welfare lies in keeping adult disputes private.

By observing an environment of respect and cooperation, the child learns healthy conflict resoluti