Definition and Typology

The subjective redefinition of deception in the couple.

In the clinical approach to infidelity, the first step is not to assume a universal definition of betrayal, but to explore what specifically deception means for that particular dyad.

The perception of infidelity is highly subjective; what for one couple is an innocuous interaction, for another constitutes an unforgivable breach of boundaries.

The therapist should investigate whether the exclusivity "contract" encompasses only genital contact or whether it extends to emotional intimacy, digital conversations, or even gazing at third parties.

For example, in some open relationships, extramarital sex is permitted as long as it is communicated, and cheating is defined as concealment of the act, not the act itself.

In contrast, other couples may feel a deep betrayal simply if one partner shares intimate confidences or has lunch with a colleague without mentioning it.

It is critical to clarify these boundaries and expectations, as many crises arise because one partner operates under a definition of fidelity that the other does not share or has not explicitly validated.

Intimacy-impeding affairs (Brown's Category)

According to Brown's classification, certain affairs have a paradoxical function: regulating emotional distance.

These infidelities occur precisely when the primary relationship threatens to become "too" intimate or when a step toward greater commitment (such as getting married or cohabiting) is about to occur.

The affair acts as a safety barrier that prevents full merger. In these cases, the third person serves as an object of triangulation.

The partner uses the infidelity as a tangible reason to fight and maintain a "safe" distance, thus avoiding facing deep fears of vulnerability or commitment.

Clinically, a cyclical pattern is observed: when the couple begins to reconnect, the ghost of past betrayal or a new indiscretion arises to sabotage the closeness and return to the familiar state of estrangement.

Adventures that avoid direct conflict

Another category describes infidelities that function as a mechanism to avoid open confrontation of problems.

Instead of saying "I feel ignored" or "I am no longer attracted to you," the individual acts out his or her dissatisfaction through an affair.

The unconscious goal is to provoke a reaction in the partner without having to directly verbalize the complaint or pain.

The underlying message is usually, "Look at me, I'm here and I'm desirable to others."

These individuals often have difficulty managing conflict assertively or feel that communication in the relationship is non-existent.