Discernment Counseling

A specific approach to ambivalence

Discernment counseling differs radically from traditional couples therapy.

While the latter assumes that both partners want to repair the relationship, discernment is designed specifically for couples on the verge of breakup, where willingness to continue is uncertain.

It is a brief, time-limited protocol whose goal is not to resolve relational problems, but to help the couple make an informed decision about the future of their bond.

This approach prevents the common clinical mistake of initiating reparative treatment with people who already have "one foot out the door," which often results in ineffective and frustrating therapy.

Rather than pushing for change or intimacy, the therapist creates a safe space to assess the viability of the relationship, exploring whether there is sufficient motivation and resources to embark on demanding reconstruction therapy.

Managing mixed agendas: The leaning in and the leaning out.

The most frequent scenario in this model is the couple with "mixed agendas": one partner desperately wants to save the relationship (leaning in), while the other is seriously considering separation (leaning out).

The therapist must avoid two pitfalls: chasing the distancing partner trying to convince him/her to stay, or colluding with the one who wants to save the relationship, which would alienate the other.

Intervention is mostly done through individual conversations with each member, even if they come to the appointment together.

With the outward leaning member, their ambivalence is validated and their narrative of hopelessness is explored.

With the inward leaning member, we work to stop pushing or pursuing, which often worsens the estrangement, and help them understand the reality of the crisis without false hope but with dignity.

The three possible paths in the face of crisis

The discernment process structures decision-making around three clear paths.

Path 1 is to maintain the status quo, that is, to leave things as they are and decide not to decide for the time being.

Path 2 is separation or divorce, moving toward dissolving the bond in a constructive manner.

Path 3 is a commitment to intensive couples therapy for a set period (e.g., six months), with a moratorium on discussing divorce during that time.

The goal is that, if they choose Path 3, they do so with a full understanding that the "old relationship" is dead and that they must work to build a new one.

The ambivalent member is sought to understand his or her own contribution to the problems, so that, if they d