Management of Soluble and Perpetual Problems

Differentiation between types of problems

A fundamental finding in couples research is that not all conflicts are the same or have the same solution.

There are two main categories: soluble problems and perpetual problems.

Soluble problems are situational and specific; they arise from a specific event and, once resolved, disappear.

However, therapists should help couples understand that most of their arguments do not fall into this category.

Perpetual problems are rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values or lifestyles that will not change.

For example, one person may be very punctual and structured, while their partner is spontaneous and lax over time. These differences will generate lifelong friction.

The most common therapeutic error is to treat a perpetual problem as if it were soluble, trying to "fix" or eliminate it, which leads to chronic frustration.

The statistic of ongoing conflict

Research reveals a startling statistic: 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, unresolved problems.

This means that the vast majority of arguments couples have will reoccur again and again over the years.

The difference between satisfied ("master") and dissatisfied ("disaster") couples is not that the former do not have these problems, but the way they manage them.

In unstable relationships, these perpetual problems become a stalemate or impasse, fraught with pain and resentment.

In healthy relationships, the couple learns to live with these differences, treating them with humor and acceptance, similar to how one treats an old knee injury that sometimes bothers but does not prevent walking.

From stagnation to dialogue

When a perpetual problem calcifies, stagnation occurs. This occurs because underneath everyone's rigid position there are dreams, longings or deep values that are not being heard.

Sixteen percent of these perpetual problems end in a total blockage where communication ceases or becomes hostile.

Clinical intervention does not seek to "solve" the problem (because it will not go away), but to move the couple from stagnation to dialogue. The goal is to enable them to talk about the difference without hurting each other.

Techniques are used to uncover the hidden dream behind the conflict (e.g., behind a complaint about money there may be a dream of security or freedom).

By validating the underlying dream, the conflict ceases to be a war and becomes an ongoing negotiation.

Summary

Solvable problems are specific situations, while perpetual ones lie in fundamental personality differences. Attempting to fix the perpetual as if it were soluble generates a lot of chronic frustration in the bond.

Sixty-nine percent of conflicts are perpetual problems that will return periodically. Satisfied couples learn to live with these differences using humor and constant acceptance today.

Stagnation occurs when dreams are blocked under rigid positions in discussion. Dialogue seeks to validate hidden longings by transforming wars into ongoing negotiations that are fully constructive for both partners.