The Separation Process

Psychological Divorce versus Legal Dissolution

The dissolution of a couple is a complex phenomenon that rarely begins or ends in court.

It is essential to distinguish between legal divorce, which is a one-time administrative act, and "psychological divorce," which is an erosive and gradual process.

The latter usually begins long before any documents are signed, brewing in the intimacy through the loss of illusion, emotional disconnection and the dismantling of the shared life project.

One of the partners may have psychologically "left" the relationship years before physically communicating it, which explains the difference in mourning times between the one who decides to leave and the one who is left.

In this internal divorce phase, the couple experiences a slow death of intimacy and commitment.

It moves from disappointment to apathy, and cohabitation is maintained by inertia or habit, not by choice.

The therapist must assess where each member is on this spectrum: Are both still "married" emotionally or is one already single and living under the same roof?

Dimensions of Divorce: Emotional, Communal and Parental

The breakup impacts multiple spheres of existence simultaneously. Emotional divorce" involves withdrawing the affective investment placed in the other and regaining the autonomy of the self.

The "communitarian divorce" refers to the fracture of the shared social network; common friends, in-laws and habitual places are lost or divided, generating a sense of isolation and profound social loneliness. Perhaps the most delicate dimension is "parental" or coparental divorce.

When there are children, the conjugal couple dies, but the parental couple must survive.

The conflict arises when the hostility of the emotional divorce contaminates the ability to collaborate as parents.

The clinical goal is to help build a "firewall" that separates ex-couple conflict from shared responsibilities to the children, preventing the children from being used as messengers or throwing weapons in the legal battle.

Frequent causes and the erosion of the bond

When analyzing the etiology of the breakup, there is rarely a single cause, although there is often a triggering event.

Factors such as violence (physical or psychological), substance abuse or infidelity are often clear reasons for breakup.

However, many relationships die from silent erosion: lack of assertive communication, neglect of physical appearance and attractiveness, or inability to manage differences in parenting or finances.

The initial choice of partner also plays a role; unions based on reasons other than affection (unplanned pregnancy, social pressure, economic necessity) have fragile foundations.

Clinically, the accumulation of unresolved minor incidents ("the s