Assertive Techniques: The Use of the [I] and the [Disco Rayado].

The "I Message" Formula

One of the most fundamental tools of assertive communication is the "I Message."

Instead of beginning a sentence with an accusation ("You always..."), this technique redirects communication to focus on the speaker's experience.

The basic formula is: "When you [describe a specific, observable behavior], I feel [you express your emotion]."

For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me!", an I Message would be, "When I look at my phone while you talk to me, I feel ignored."

This structure focuses on the impact the other person's behavior has on you, rather than passing judgment on their character.

Why "I-Messages" are less accusatory than "You-Messages."

The reason "Me Messages" are so effective is that they are far less volatile and accusatory.

Their power lies in a simple principle: while a person can debate your interpretation of their actions, they cannot debate how you feel. Your feelings are your subjective and indisputable reality.

By presenting the problem from your own emotional perspective, you drastically reduce the likelihood that the other person will become defensive.

A "You Message" ("You are inconsiderate") is an attack that invites a counterattack.

A "Me Message" is an invitation to empathy and resolution of the problem.

The "Broken Record" Technique

When expressing your need with an "I Message" is not enough and you are met with resistance, evasions or arguments, the "Disco Rayado" technique comes into play.

It consists of repeating your point of view or your key request calmly but firmly, over and over again, without getting sidetracked by the other person's provocations or justifications.

If your initial message was valid and well formulated, there is no need to change it.

This technique demonstrates that you are not going to concede your fundamental point and prevents the conversation from getting bogged down in side discussions.

It is a way to maintain control of the dialogue without becoming aggressive.

How to Combine These Techniques for Effective Assertive Communication

The combination of the "I Message" and the "Disco Ray" creates a very powerful assertive communication sequence.

The process would be as follows:

Start with the "I Message:" Express your need or feeling in a clear, non-accusatory way.

For example: "When our meeting is postponed at the last minute, I feel unappreciated".

Apply the "Disco Ray" to resistance: If the other person responds with excuses ("I just had an unforeseen event") or by minimizing the problem ("It's no big deal"), instead of arguing those points, repeat your core message.

You might say, "I understand that unforeseen events arise, an