The paradoxical intention: fighting the emotion intensifies it

When we try to control or eliminate an unpleasant emotion by force, we often achieve exactly the opposite: the emotion intensifies.

This phenomenon is known as ''paradoxical intention''. It's one of the most important yet most counterintuitive principles of emotional regulation.

Consider anxiety

The harder we try not to be anxious, the more we think about anxiety, the more attentive we are to its physical symptoms, and consequently, the more anxious we become.

The same thing happens with fear, or any thought we want to avoid.

The famous exercise "don't think about a white bear" illustrates this perfectly: the moment you try not to think about it, the white bear becomes the protagonist of your mind.

Fighting the emotion fuels it.

We give it energy, importance, and focus.

We make it the center of our experience.

It's like trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it.

The intention is good, but the result is disastrous.

What is the antidote to this paradox? Acceptance

As we saw in the previous point, accepting an emotion doesn't mean that we like it or that we want it to stay forever. Nor is it resignation.

Accepting means stopping fighting it. It means allowing the emotion to be there, in our body and mind, without resisting it.

When we stop fighting, the emotion loses its power.

When it doesn't encounter resistance, the emotion's energy begins to flow and dissipate naturally.

Like a wave that reaches the shore, it reaches its peak and then retreats. Acceptance is not passivity; it is an active and very wise strategy.

It is understanding that the best way to win the battle against an emotion is not by fighting it, but by consciously surrendering to it.

Summary

Trying to control or eliminate an unpleasant emotion often makes it more intense, a phenomenon known as paradoxical intention. The more we want to avoid something, the more present it becomes.

Fighting the emotion reinforces it, as we give it more attention and energy. This resistance is like pouring gasoline on a fire: it worsens the discomfort instead of reducing it.

The antidote is conscious acceptance. It's not about resigning yourself, but rather allowing the emotion to flow without resistance. This way, it loses its strength and disappears like a wave returning to the sea.