Know the enemy

Man has no worse enemy than himself (Cicero).

Popular culture and history are replete with proverbs, sayings and famous phrases that refer to this fact. And it has proven to be true in more ways than one. However, the part that concerns us here has to do with that internal struggle that each person fights when he or she becomes his or her own worst enemy.

This statement is undoubtedly due to factors such as no one knows your weaknesses like you do, nor has the ability to set the perfect trap for you like your own emotions, or to amplify the damage exponentially like your thoughts. However, this does not mean that it is a fully conscious process and therein lies its real danger.

When do you become your enemy?

Once you turn against yourself it is hard not to believe that everyone else is also against you (Paul Auster).

When you become your own enemy:

• You let the opinions of others define you: you don't have to accept the criticism and judgments you receive from other people. If you internalize opinions that make you feel insecure or that undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem, you are sowing contempt, insecurity and fear. The decision to feel disabled is yours.

• You let your mistakes define you: every time you fail in an internal purpose we promote self-doubt. That's why sometimes it's hard to face positively the challenging situations that arise, because we think it will go wrong. So we tend to generalize. It is necessary to stop thinking in extreme terms and learn from each experience.

• You treat yourself badly: you use very strong language and derogatory terms in your internal dialogues.

• Your perception plays against you: our reality depends on the interpretation we make of what we live, and we can give a wrong meaning to things. We must try to see situations from another point of view. Something that also happens is that we tend to personalize all experiences and not everything is related to you.

• You undervalue yourself: you only see your weaknesses and you think you are incompetent to achieve your goals. You focus on what you don't know and overlook your positive aspects or achievements. Paradoxically, these feelings and thoughts can be the real cause of your lack of progress.

• It is reflected in your behavior: you self-sabotage yourself by making inadequate or inconsistent decisions. You may engage in denial or self-deception by taking actions that go against your values and beliefs.

• It is reflected in your public identity: Due to all this unconscious self-programming you transmit that image to other people who perceive you as equally incapable, insecure, apathetic, proud, self-sufficient, arrogant, stubborn, etcetera.

Does our inner enemy have a positive intention?

Your worst enemy cannot hurt you as much as your own thoughts (Budha).

In reality, the purpose of every behavior has a positive intention for the person doing it. It is usually as simple as seeking an emotion (or ideal) and avoiding its opposite, for example seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, or seeking tranquility and avoiding discomfort. When something challenges this mechanism we can react in different ways, we can be assertive, proactive or fall into inertia. We can act in our favor or against us.

Among the most common interferences are:

• Fear: most changes cause fear. When it comes to face new challenges, to do new things, what ends up holding us back is fear. Fear discovered or disguised, as a form of protection, a defense. Fear is a signal for us to be careful but we cannot let it dominate us and try to justify it. It is the main distraction that diverts us from our path.

  We may be afraid of making a fool of ourselves, of others not approving or recognizing us, of making mistakes, of failing. These experiences cause us much discomfort, so the first response to a similar situation is fear. That is why we are capable of unconsciously creating all kinds of excuses to avoid the occasion of feeling bad or uncomfortable. The bad thing is that if you don't change anything, nothing will change.

• Guilt: if we internalize and accept what they say about us we become our worst critics so we blame and punish ourselves. This damages our self-esteem and performance.

  Also a very common response can be to blame others as a justification for not getting what we want and not accepting our share of responsibility for what happens to us.

Tips to reconcile with yourself

The best warrior is the one who manages to transform the enemy into a friend (Paulo Coelho).

Timothy Gallwey, one of the first exponents of coaching offers us this simple formula: results=potential-interference. Most of the time the interference is yourself. If you manage to accept yourself as you are,