Admiration and Affection

The antidote to contempt

One of the four horsemen of the relational apocalypse, and the most predictive of divorce, is contempt.

The direct and most potent antidote to this poison is the active cultivation of a culture of admiration and affection.

In impaired relationships, the mind develops a habit of "negative scanning": it constantly looks for mistakes, flaws and faults in the other to confirm a critical view.

To reverse this, it is necessary to train the mind to perform a "positive scan," actively looking for the things the partner does well and the qualities he or she still possesses, even if they are buried under layers of routine. One effective strategy is to recall and verbalize the partner's origin story.

By recalling what initially attracted us, how we met and the obstacles we overcame together, we reactivate the neural circuits associated with affection and respect.

Couples who can tell their story with warmth and humor, even if they are going through a rough patch, have a much better prognosis than those who remember their past with bitterness or indifference.

Remembering why we chose that person helps us to see him or her again as valuable and worthy of respect, not just as an annoying roommate.

The deliberate practice of gratitude

Admiration should not remain in thought; it should be expressed. A powerful exercise is to write down daily three specific things we appreciate about our partner.

They don't have to be heroic feats; they can be details like "thank you for making the coffee this morning" or "I admire how you handled that difficult situation with the kids."

By writing it down and communicating it, we change our own emotional state and simultaneously make the other feel valued.

It is difficult to feel contempt for someone you have just sincerely thanked. In addition, it is crucial to avoid public criticism and encourage social praise.

Speaking well of our partner in front of others not only bolsters their self-esteem, but solidifies our own commitment and positive outlook. When we focus on virtues, they tend to expand.

If, on the other hand, we obsess over flaws, they will overshadow all that is good.

The decision to admire is an act of will: we choose to focus on the gener