Denial and rationalization

The shield against distress

Faced with an excessively painful reality, the human psyche deploys automatic defense mechanisms to protect itself from emotional collapse.

The most common in the initial and intermediate stages of abuse is denial.

Accepting that the loved one is, in reality, an abuser who engages in systematic violence is such an immense burden of anguish that the mind chooses to reject the information.

The victim denies the evidence of the aggression, minimizes the facts or dismisses thoughts about her partner's evil intent because the truth is unbearable to her.

This refusal to see reality is not a lack of intelligence, but a "psychodynamism" of emotional survival that allows the person to continue to function in their day-to-day life without falling apart, even if the price is living in a dangerous fiction that increases their anxiety in the long run.

Justification of the unjustifiable

When pure denial is no longer sustainable because the facts are obvious, rationalization comes into play.

The victim begins to construct logical and elaborate explanations to justify the aggressor's behavior.

She convinces herself that what is happening is normal, that "all couples argue" or even that there are situations much worse than hers, thus relativizing her own suffering.

She looks for external causes for the abuse: his work stress, economic problems, a difficult childhood or alcohol consumption.

By finding a "reason" to explain the violence, the victim feels a false sense of control, believing that if this external factor is solved, the abuse will stop.

This dynamic leads her to lose confidence in her own judgment and makes her irritable, as she expends immense energy in maintaining a coherent lie.

The pity trap

The aggressor, aware of this tendency, manipulates the victim's empathy by showing himself weak, sensitive or needy when it suits him (for example, after a violent episode or when he feels that she is moving away).

Faced with this display of vulnerability, the victim activates a feeling of almost maternal protection.

She considers that she has the mission to help him and that she is the only one capable of understanding his inner pain.

This compassion acts as a powerful glue: the victim forgets the damage received and turns to care for the aggressor, justifying his aggressive behavior again as a manifestation of his inner suffering.

In doing so, she denies herself the possibility of facing the objective reality that she is being destroyed by someone who uses her goodn