Feelings of guilt and shame

Assumption of the burden and scapegoating

One of the triumphs of the psychological aggressor is to make the victim feel responsible for everything that happens in the relationship.

Since the narcissistic pervert never takes the blame and always presents himself as the wronged or misunderstood party, the victim absorbs that vacant responsibility.

If he is in a bad mood, she thinks she has done something to provoke him; if the relationship fails, she assumes she was not good enough, patient enough or loving enough.

She becomes the "scapegoat" who takes the blame for both of their mistakes and frustrations.

Even when he leaves her or is unfaithful, the victim looks to her past actions as justification for his behavior, exonerating him from blame and punishing herself.

Toxic shame and silence

Beyond guilt, the victim experiences a deep shame that paralyzes her and prevents her from asking for help.

She feels shame for not having been loved, interpreting the aggressor's rejection as proof of her lack of personal worth.

She feels shame for having tolerated humiliation and contempt without rebelling, judging herself harshly for her own submission.

This shame is compounded when the victim becomes aware that her own indulgence or attempts to please have fueled the violent dynamic.

This feeling of unworthiness further isolates her, as she fears that if she tells what she experiences, others will confirm that she is weak or foolish, reinforcing the internal narrative that she deserves what is happening to her.

The empathy trap and the salvific mission.

Guilt also feeds on the victim's misunderstood empathy. She often develops an almost maternal feeling towards the abuser, believing that she is the only one who can understand and help him.

She sees the abuser as a damaged or needy being (especially when he victimizes himself) and feels she has a "mission" to heal him with her love and sacrifice.

She justifies the abuse by thinking that he is "not like that" deep down or that he is going through a bad time.

This hope and desire to "save" the relationship keeps her bound, and each time she fails in her attempt to change him, the guilt reappears more strongly for not having been able to achieve that idealized harmony.

Summary

The aggressor makes the victim feel responsible for everything negative in the relationship. She assumes the role of "scapegoat", taking the blame for her partner's mistakes, frustrations and unhappiness.

The victim experiences a toxic shame that paralyzes her. She feels shame for not being loved and for having tolerated humiliations, judging herself harshly and isolating herself to avoid others confirming her sense of worthlessness.

Often, guilt is fueled by a misunderstood empathy and a salvific mission. The woman believes that her love can cure the aggressor, justifying the abuse as his internal suffering and keeping herself tied to the relationship.