The hope for change ([Lifeguard])

The illusion of return to the past

One of the strongest anchors that keeps the woman in the toxic relationship is the obstinate hope that the abuse will cease and the couple will return to harmony.

This hope does not come from nothing, but from the memory of the initial "seduction phase" or moments of intermittent calm.

The victim clings to the idea that the loving and charming man she knew is the true identity of her partner, and that the abuser is only a temporary alteration caused by external circumstances.

She thinks: "he is not like that", and lives in the hope that this "true self" (which in reality was a mask) will return for good.

This idealization of the past prevents him from seeing that violence is a structural feature of the aggressor's personality and not a passing state.

The savior myth and gender roles

The concept of women as "saviors" or emotional rehabilitators is deeply rooted in sociocultural gender stereotypes.

Historically, women have been raised in the role of caregiver, patient and self-sacrificing, responsible for the emotional well-being of the family.

Many victims internalize this mandate and believe that, with enough love, patience and effort, they can "cure" their partner, undo his traumas and transform him into a good person.

They feel that if they invest more energy and understanding, eventually "the knot will come undone" and they will be able to communicate.

This belief places them in a position of failed omnipotence: they assume responsibility for the other's change, which guarantees their frustration and perpetuates their staying in the abusive relationship.

The fallacy of effort and logic

The victim tries to apply logic and common sense to a situation that lacks them.

She tries to understand the aggressor's motives, seeks rational explanations for his outbursts and believes that, if she can explain herself better or find the right key, he will recognize his mistake and change.

He thinks that by investing more time and sacrifice he will obtain results, falling into the sunk cost fallacy.

However, the perverse aggressor does not operate under the rules of reciprocity or affective logic.

The hope that "someday he will figure it out" is, in reality, a mental trap that keeps the victim actively working in a relationship that destroys her, hoping for an affective reward that the aggressor has no intention (or ability) to give her.

Summary