The Distinction between Content and Relationship

In communication, there is a crucial distinction between the content message (what is said) and the relationship message (how it is said).

The former refers to facts, details and objective information, while the latter focuses on the connection between the speaker and the listener, conveying feelings and attitudes.

The relational message is communicated through tone of voice, body language and word choice.

In most interactions, people receive the relationship message first, which influences how they perceive the content message.

If the relationship message is negative, the other person is likely to become defensive and dismiss the content, no matter how valid it is.

Incongruence as a source of conflict

Inconsistency between content and relationship is a frequent cause of misunderstanding.

For example, a supervisor telling an employee in an authoritative manner "see me after the meeting" conveys a clear content message, but the relationship message is that there is a status difference and that power is being exercised.

This type of communication can create tension, as the listener will feel belittled.

In personal relationships, misalignment between the content message and the relationship message is a common cause of conflict.

For example, a person who feels frustration because his or her partner did not meet an expectation may express anger aggressively.

The other person will feel attacked, ignoring the content of what is being said and focusing on the fact that he or she feels wronged or belittled.

Aligning content and relationship

For effective communication, it is crucial to align both messages.

If you want to convey a firm but respectful message, your tone of voice and body language should reflect that intent.

For example, instead of saying "I'm upset that you don't care about the family," you can say "I'm feeling anxious because I can't pay all the bills and I need you to help me find a solution."

The latter phrase, which focuses on the speaker's feelings and a joint solution, opens the door to dialogue.

By being aware of both messages, we can prevent our negative emotions from interfering with communication and ensure that the message is received clearly and productively.

Summary

In communication, there is a crucial distinction between the content message (what is said) and the relationship message (how it is said). The relational message is conveyed through tone of voice, body language and choice of words.

If the relationship message is negative, the other person will become defensive and dismiss the content, no matter how valid it is. Inconsistency between the two messages is a frequent cause of misunderstanding and conflict in relationships.

For effective communication, it is crucial to align both messages. If the tone and body language are respectful, the content message will be better received. This opens the door to dialogue rather than conflict.