Receiving Feedback and Managing the Defensive

Receiving feedback can be just as difficult as giving it.

When you receive criticism, even if it's well-intentioned, your natural reaction may be defensive, which prevents the message from being heard.

However, feedback is a valuable opportunity for growth, and learning how to receive it constructively is a crucial skill.

The key is to maintain an attitude of openness and manage your emotions so you don't become defensive.

Keys to Receiving Feedback

Maintain openness: The first step is to be open to the possibility that the other person has a valid point of view.

Don't assume the person is wrong or has bad intentions.

Instead, adopt an attitude of curiosity and a desire to learn.

Ask questions to clarify: Often, feedback is presented in an ambiguous or accusatory way.

Instead of reacting emotionally, it's helpful to ask questions to clarify the message and get to the essence of what the person means.

Questions like "Could you give me a specific example of what happened?" or "What do you mean by that?" help break down the message and understand the specific behavior they're referring to.

Manage your emotions: Defensiveness is an emotional reaction.

Before responding, take a moment to manage your feelings.

If you feel attacked, you can ask for a pause or simply breathe so you don't react impulsively.

The goal is to hear the message without letting your emotions take control.

The Other Person's Reaction as Feedback

The way the other person gives feedback is also a learning opportunity.

If they give it to you aggressively, with words like "always" or "never," it's an indication that the person doesn't know how to give feedback constructively.

In these cases, you can model the behavior you want to see by responding assertively and respectfully, without entering into the same dynamic.

If the person shuts down or withdraws, it may be a sign that they don't trust your intentions or that they fear confrontation.

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